9 month checkup yester-evening

[walkitout]

This was entertaining. We had told our doc (a resident) on the last visit (a month ago) that Teddy was cruising one handed really well. So when she asked how he was doing this time, we said he was running around. She asks crawling? We say, no, running. Cruising? No, running. And we put him down and he started walking all over. Could have knocked her over with a feather.

No one has been so rude as to actually say, You're so cute. You new parents. You think your baby is so amazing. You have no idea what independent walking _really_ means.

Yeah. Whatever.

I should be clear. Our doc is way cool, and we're going to miss her when she leaves in a couple months. She's very cooperative about modifying the vaccine schedule, supportive of extended breastfeeding -- says we're doing everything perfectly. But she just does not seem to really believe us when we tell her what Teddy does. She didn't believe us the first time we told her about EC, either. *shrug*

I'm taking another break from discipline books, after an extended discussion with R. Parenting books in general are pretty bad -- right up there with diet, fitness, nutrition books. People write a lot of stuff that is trivially obviously untrue, and some other stuff that has been documented in detail to be untrue (obvious or not) and is dangerous to continue to believe. And they make recommendations without any apparent understanding of how people actually successfully apply advice and make changes for the better in their lives. Fine. I can understand that an entire genre of books sucks (don't get me started on management books!). But _why_?!

R.'s answer is the simple, perennial: stupid people. Stupid people writing. Stupid people editing. Stupid people publishing. Stupid people buying. Okay. I'll take a break then, because there's no reason to be in a hurry to read all the stupid books first; might as well enjoy some of the good ones now and then.

I pulled _Mothering Your Nursing Toddler_ off the shelf, where it has sat since January, because I hit a point where I needed to read another book about breastfeeding more or less the way I could use still more holes in my head (happy with the ones I have, thank you, trepanning is not for me). I immediately laughed at Martha's remarks (read this at 9 months for a look ahead -- sorry, the kid is already toddling, and even has toddler sense of humor. Too late.). Then I started reading, and before I escaped the introduction, Bumgardner was slamming early potty training. Because extended use of diapers is so natural for children. Oy.

It's an interesting book, and after the discipline books, my complaints here seem quaint.

Comments

"You're so cute. You new parents."

[byrdie.livejournal.com]

Fine, I'll say it: you, as a new mother, are cute. Of course, I came to this conclusion after watching you roll around on the floor with Teddy as though you'd just been given the bestest toy ever for a birthday present.

Also, I remember seeing how huge Teddy was ... what, the day he'd been born? The day after? The kid already looked a week old and was immediately nursing successfully. And you and R. are his parents? I figure he'll be driving by 4.

[jinasphinx.livejournal.com]

Re stuff that is obviously untrue, that is dangerous to continue to believe, and that doesn't work with how people successfully apply advice --- I would love to hear some examples. Not just for my own curiosity and amusement, but also as a prospective future parent upon whom some of this advice will no doubt be inflicted at some point. :)

oh, you'll hear examples ;-)

[walkitout]

You've already been on the receiving end of some of what I have to say about how babies sleep, and breastfeeding and so forth. But I'm always happy to whinge on. There's a complete tool (reads the Washington Times, just for reference purposes -- and quotes their Op page!) on a politics emailing list I'm on that I'm currently back-and-forthing with. I could use an unrelated venting opportunity.

"doesn't work with how people successfully apply advice"

Over the last twenty years, there has been a bunch of research done on how change occurs. It's a multi-step process that begins by learning enough to realize that change needs to occur, then learning what options for change are available, finding ways to integrate a change into one's life, managing the unexpected effects of change, lather rinse repeat. Any advice that amounts to "just do it" or "gut it out" is basically advice that isn't going to lead to lasting change. So, for example, a discipline book about toddlers that does not discuss parental rage, where it comes from and what can be done about it, but just asserts that parents should patiently return the toddler to their bed as many times as the toddler gets out of bed, staying calm all the while is, let us say, not wholly useful. Actually, it's a complete crock of shit that risks encouraging child abuse, by setting the parent up for exactly the kind of unending frustration while one's own needs are not getting met that lays the groundwork for anger and violence -- and that's in an otherwise healthy, well-adjusted adult. Sometimes, the kid is perfectly happy in their own bed. But a lot of the time, not so.

Actually useful information for getting toddlers to sleep in their own bed might include things like the following. Sleepy adults are going to get really cranky. Trade shifts with other adults; hire assistance if necessary if you are going to insist the toddler sleep alone.

Toddlers sleeping alone may be developmentally inappropriate, although culturally mandated. Know that you are fighting biology. Decide whether it's worth it. If it isn't, (list of other options ensues).

If it is worth it, then you at least have to address the specific emotional issues (fear, loneliness, betrayal, abandonment. . .) and specific physical issues (too dark, too cold, too quiet ...) that toddler is dealing with. A bunch of stuff about getting information out of the toddler and empathizing with the toddler would be useful; at least a reference to such a book.

A lot of positive parenting tactics use repetition. Repetition is good -- toddlers really need it to Get It. But repetition when the toddler is communicating an unmet need is going to lead to escalation, frustration, temper tantrums, etc. Or, it might not, but you'd still really regret not addressing the unmet need. byrdie tells a story about hollering for her parents who were busy having an argument and she was under no circumstances to interrupt them. Problem was, the kitchen was on fire (hopefully she will let me know if I got the details wrong). A milder (really common!) case: you have an agreement with your toddler that she nurses only at night. She asks repeatedly one day to nurse, and you keep telling her no. The next day she comes down with some sort of horrendous cold or worse illness. You kick yourself for not supplying the antibodies on demand.

Discipline books which assume parental demands are reasonable (for any toddler, or even for that particular toddler) and that get into tactics are inherently, obviously untrue, and dangerous to follow. Even if they handwave something about developmental appropriateness, almost all of them will cow to cultural mandates when they run up against biology.

Discipline books suck. And even the people who agree that babies don't need discipline until they are 6 months, 9 months, a year old, walking, talking, whatever, will still advocate schedules and cry-it-out sleep training, as if those weren't some of the harshest disciplinary ideas out there.

Ooooh, cranky Rebecca.

Re: oh, you'll hear examples ;-)

[jinasphinx.livejournal.com]

Thank you! That is awesome information, and I have saved a copy in my LJ Memories for reference.