![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
walkitoutI have a new aphorism for secrets:
I don’t want to know my kids’ secrets. I just don’t want other people asking my kids’ to keep theirs.
Backstory can be found in various entries in this blog, however, I will sum up.
First story — pre kids. When I was in college, I was on an electronic bulletin board. I was pretty naive socially, but when I got an email with a bunch of pretty personal questions in it, I decided to treat it like a chain letter. When the person who sent me it originally found out, he was _incensed_. He did everything he could to make me feel like I’d somehow violated him, but I was like, I did not agree to confidentiality and honestly, you didn’t even request it. We stayed “friends” for a number of years, and it was through him that I met his roommate, that I later was in a relationship for several years. Eventually, a younger friend (an EEPer at UW, so very much Too Young to be dating or having sex with anyone at all when I first met her) wound up dating this “friend” several years later (when she was old enough, and he wast not her first partner). He did not treat her well at all. This man had also dated and/or had sexual contact with a number of other mutual friends. I decided to stage an “intervention”. I invited a number of the women to Hattie’s Hat and we all had a little chat about our various experiences with the man in question. Man was dumped. Younger friend had a lot of insightful things to say about the “culture of secrecy”.
Second story — daughter and I lose friends simultaneously. I had a pretty nutty walking partner / friend for a few months, maybe a year. Her daughter was close in age to mine, so the girls hung out as well. When the whole family was at my house having dinner and drinks, I overheard my daughter telling the other girl that she should tell her father about something. I wasn’t listening, so I didn’t get any details. I didn’t think it was anything seriously, but when my daughter is telling her friend to tell her dad something, I’m like, well, what’s going on? I asked. Daughter of nutter friend (backstory: she stole toys, mom insisted that she hadn’t, wouldn’t look, some time later, oh, gosh I don’t know how this happened and returned at least one of them) says, it’s a secret you can’t tell. Friend’s daughter won’t tell. I’m like, hunh. This got much more serious. Still didn’t think it was anything. Tried to get it out of my daughter after everyone left. Failed. Contacted nutty friend. Nutty friend asks her own daughter, who insists none of it ever happened, there is no secret Nutty friend tells me I’m lying about her daughter, dumps me, blocks me on everything. I think for a few minutes, tell my daughter: okay, your ex-friend says there is no secret, therefore, you can tell me what it was. My daughter spills all — basically, other kid was talking smack about her dad, didn’t want anyone else to know. *sigh*
Third story — see recent post.
There’s a pattern here. The pattern is pretty straightforward. People who want you to keep their secrets suck. Don’t keep their secrets. Stop hanging out with them. And honestly, here is what my daughter has to say:
“They aren’t even good secrets. They’re mostly just hiding smack talk.”
I don’t want to know my kids’ secrets. I just don’t want other people asking my kids’ to keep theirs.
Backstory can be found in various entries in this blog, however, I will sum up.
First story — pre kids. When I was in college, I was on an electronic bulletin board. I was pretty naive socially, but when I got an email with a bunch of pretty personal questions in it, I decided to treat it like a chain letter. When the person who sent me it originally found out, he was _incensed_. He did everything he could to make me feel like I’d somehow violated him, but I was like, I did not agree to confidentiality and honestly, you didn’t even request it. We stayed “friends” for a number of years, and it was through him that I met his roommate, that I later was in a relationship for several years. Eventually, a younger friend (an EEPer at UW, so very much Too Young to be dating or having sex with anyone at all when I first met her) wound up dating this “friend” several years later (when she was old enough, and he wast not her first partner). He did not treat her well at all. This man had also dated and/or had sexual contact with a number of other mutual friends. I decided to stage an “intervention”. I invited a number of the women to Hattie’s Hat and we all had a little chat about our various experiences with the man in question. Man was dumped. Younger friend had a lot of insightful things to say about the “culture of secrecy”.
Second story — daughter and I lose friends simultaneously. I had a pretty nutty walking partner / friend for a few months, maybe a year. Her daughter was close in age to mine, so the girls hung out as well. When the whole family was at my house having dinner and drinks, I overheard my daughter telling the other girl that she should tell her father about something. I wasn’t listening, so I didn’t get any details. I didn’t think it was anything seriously, but when my daughter is telling her friend to tell her dad something, I’m like, well, what’s going on? I asked. Daughter of nutter friend (backstory: she stole toys, mom insisted that she hadn’t, wouldn’t look, some time later, oh, gosh I don’t know how this happened and returned at least one of them) says, it’s a secret you can’t tell. Friend’s daughter won’t tell. I’m like, hunh. This got much more serious. Still didn’t think it was anything. Tried to get it out of my daughter after everyone left. Failed. Contacted nutty friend. Nutty friend asks her own daughter, who insists none of it ever happened, there is no secret Nutty friend tells me I’m lying about her daughter, dumps me, blocks me on everything. I think for a few minutes, tell my daughter: okay, your ex-friend says there is no secret, therefore, you can tell me what it was. My daughter spills all — basically, other kid was talking smack about her dad, didn’t want anyone else to know. *sigh*
Third story — see recent post.
There’s a pattern here. The pattern is pretty straightforward. People who want you to keep their secrets suck. Don’t keep their secrets. Stop hanging out with them. And honestly, here is what my daughter has to say:
“They aren’t even good secrets. They’re mostly just hiding smack talk.”