Unexpected phone call
Apr. 25th, 2023 12:13 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
walkitoutR.’s aunt who officiated at our wedding called today; this is a little unusual for her, but not completely unheard of. She led with what was obviously a lighthearted transition bit (I posted on FB about some socks with separated toes and she said she’d found them helpful for toe alignment issues, which I hadn’t even thought of those being helpful for, so, nice to know!).
Then she followed up with an awkward I Understand You Had a Sad Childhood.
I definitely had a sad and abusive and horror show of a childhood, that is true! However, the issue I have is not with the childhood part of the childhood — it’s the ongoing cult-y If You Aren’t a Member Of Our Death Cult We Won’t Have Anything to Do With You, that my family of origin takes way too far even for the organization they are members of. My childhood is in my past, and if my parents and family of origin had evolved as people over the years and were willing to have really any kind of ongoing relationship at all with me — let’s go with _willing to share a meal_, or, when I decline one venue to meet up and my counterproposal is rejected, and so visiting their home is chosen, _ offer a glass of water to my children_. The bar is low. I can work with people. But these people don’t want to work together. [I want to be super clear here. I am NOT cutting these people off! They cut me off. They are cutting me off. It is an ongoing process. I send my dad a holiday card and photo package every year. The only things he has sent me in recent years were pandemic related, generic JW proselytizing letters. As in, “Dear Neighbor”, typed, only personalization is that it is addressed to me. I wish I was kidding.]
I explained that to her, and I was calm and patient and used simple terms and she’s a wonderful person in a variety of ways. And she tried to do the blunt object form of empathy where you go, I obviously can’t really understand your pain but I feel your pain with you. Yeah, no. R.’s family of origin just cannot effectively resist centering themselves. Also, R. and I are still trying to puzzle out what she meant when I summed up the elements of our backgrounds that were in common, and she decided to add, “And I too had problems with my church.” *blink*
Whatever. She said nice things and she meant well. I’m never particularly surprised when people comprehensively fail to either Get It or Respond Appropriately (mechanically saying, Oh My Gosh that sounds so awful I’m so sorry that happened to you is _absolutely appropriate_! It’s a low bar. Truly.). She said something about how amazing I am and I observed — because you know, in this situation, humor is called for! — that there is no way to overstate the truth of Living Well is the Best Revenge. A good life is a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful thing. And the look on the face of the people who have rejected you because you are Team Satan in their eyes, when you continue to thrive and find love and good relationships and quite a lot of money, decades after they were so sure The End Was Nigh, well, to quote a Visa commercial: Priceless.
I am, however, really starting to wonder what the heck is going on. I -suspect- this all is happening because of my son having ongoing text relationships with everyone, and he’s saying things to people about me, and I guess it’s news? The irony, tho, of deciding to step back — and keep stepping back — from a lot of R.’s family. I’m still doing the weekly family zoom, and I’ll be visiting that aunt-by-marriage’s older daughter this summer and I have pretty regular phone calls with her younger daughter, to whom I’m providing some extremely minor financial assistance in accessing complementary health care. I just declined to drive from Warrington to Middletown last week to go see her in person when I was in Pennsylvania, especially since she’s very concerned about her immune system and won’t do any indoor visiting at all, which given the weather could have meant a long drive both ways for nothing. Zoom’s easier, honestly.
Then she followed up with an awkward I Understand You Had a Sad Childhood.
I definitely had a sad and abusive and horror show of a childhood, that is true! However, the issue I have is not with the childhood part of the childhood — it’s the ongoing cult-y If You Aren’t a Member Of Our Death Cult We Won’t Have Anything to Do With You, that my family of origin takes way too far even for the organization they are members of. My childhood is in my past, and if my parents and family of origin had evolved as people over the years and were willing to have really any kind of ongoing relationship at all with me — let’s go with _willing to share a meal_, or, when I decline one venue to meet up and my counterproposal is rejected, and so visiting their home is chosen, _ offer a glass of water to my children_. The bar is low. I can work with people. But these people don’t want to work together. [I want to be super clear here. I am NOT cutting these people off! They cut me off. They are cutting me off. It is an ongoing process. I send my dad a holiday card and photo package every year. The only things he has sent me in recent years were pandemic related, generic JW proselytizing letters. As in, “Dear Neighbor”, typed, only personalization is that it is addressed to me. I wish I was kidding.]
I explained that to her, and I was calm and patient and used simple terms and she’s a wonderful person in a variety of ways. And she tried to do the blunt object form of empathy where you go, I obviously can’t really understand your pain but I feel your pain with you. Yeah, no. R.’s family of origin just cannot effectively resist centering themselves. Also, R. and I are still trying to puzzle out what she meant when I summed up the elements of our backgrounds that were in common, and she decided to add, “And I too had problems with my church.” *blink*
Whatever. She said nice things and she meant well. I’m never particularly surprised when people comprehensively fail to either Get It or Respond Appropriately (mechanically saying, Oh My Gosh that sounds so awful I’m so sorry that happened to you is _absolutely appropriate_! It’s a low bar. Truly.). She said something about how amazing I am and I observed — because you know, in this situation, humor is called for! — that there is no way to overstate the truth of Living Well is the Best Revenge. A good life is a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful thing. And the look on the face of the people who have rejected you because you are Team Satan in their eyes, when you continue to thrive and find love and good relationships and quite a lot of money, decades after they were so sure The End Was Nigh, well, to quote a Visa commercial: Priceless.
I am, however, really starting to wonder what the heck is going on. I -suspect- this all is happening because of my son having ongoing text relationships with everyone, and he’s saying things to people about me, and I guess it’s news? The irony, tho, of deciding to step back — and keep stepping back — from a lot of R.’s family. I’m still doing the weekly family zoom, and I’ll be visiting that aunt-by-marriage’s older daughter this summer and I have pretty regular phone calls with her younger daughter, to whom I’m providing some extremely minor financial assistance in accessing complementary health care. I just declined to drive from Warrington to Middletown last week to go see her in person when I was in Pennsylvania, especially since she’s very concerned about her immune system and won’t do any indoor visiting at all, which given the weather could have meant a long drive both ways for nothing. Zoom’s easier, honestly.