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I woke up at the usual alarm, but A. did not need help with her now shorter hair, so I set an alarm for 9ish, and went back to sleep. Then I was reading email in bed, forgetting I had a 10 am appointment. 10 am appointment arrived, rang the doorbell and I went, ooops. I answered the door, welcomed ML (not my walking partner), got her a glass of water and showed her into the dining room, and went to get dressed and use the bathroom.
When I returned downstairs, we chatted, and I started tea. I also showed her my process for english muffins and offered to make her one with mine. And then I offered her the homemade marmalade to taste. I feel that my offerings made up for my lateness, which also was not necessary, because she thought the whole thing was pretty funny and charming. We had a nice visit and I wrote a check and everyone was happy.
R. had come down for coffee, then went up for bridge, and then came back down. We had a brief conversation about the morning’s in-law related email. He had misread the part about his brother, doubled down when I questioned it, but I read it out loud to him and clarified the meaning was what I thought it was, not what he thought it was. I then finally thought of a potential answer to the primary instigator of this round of in-law email, drafted it. I went for a walk with M., had snack, and discussed the snottiness level of the email with R. If it were him, he just wouldn’t have said anything, but my name was specifically mentioned in a particularly intricately awful way. I will explain, but if you do not give a shit, just skip the next paragraph.
Author of email in her capacity as executor of estate asked husband and I what we were going to ask for in terms of reimbursement from the estate (there would be nothing left of the estate if I asked for reimbursement of everything, which was actually acknowledged in these texts). Author further advocated for us asking for less, so that the estate would have more specifically for Florida Man’s housing needs. I believe that I referred to my emotional state in response to all this as “incandescent rage” and I dropped out of the text conversation entirely, beyond, “What he said” after my husband responded. Author’s husband stepped in _on her phone_ to reassure that there would not be money in Florida Man’s hands, which I then texted him about separately saying that helped with the incandescent rage and also noted that if Author was or had recently been seeing a therapist, maybe that person could help her out a bit because she sounded very distressed (she did. And she still does). The intricately awful was that she tacked onto the group email both, Yes I am distressed walkitout AND generally to everyone the addendum don’t contact my husband he’s on a vacation with friends and deserves a break from the drama. Don’t we all.
So, ignoring the whole exchange seemed … a good choice in the short run, and a poor choice overall. I got the proposed response down to an acceptable level of snottiness and sent it. I apparently got it right, because she replied just to me with some additional details that indicate she’s got quite a lot of insight into what she’s up to and how she’s feeling. Other than the Florida Man stuff, I’m quite sympathetic to the things she’s dealing with — it’s all very tough stuff.
Let me just say, I am _not_ good at this stuff and it feels very fraught. If you — anyone reading this — finds themselves dealing with complex drama around death / divorce / difficult adult sibling stuff / etc., here’s a sentence you might find useful.
“My condolences to you in the multiple, complex grieving processes you are currently navigating.”
It’ll do a lot of the work for you, and hopefully keep you out of worse trouble.
Life is hard. Be compassionate to yourself.
When I returned downstairs, we chatted, and I started tea. I also showed her my process for english muffins and offered to make her one with mine. And then I offered her the homemade marmalade to taste. I feel that my offerings made up for my lateness, which also was not necessary, because she thought the whole thing was pretty funny and charming. We had a nice visit and I wrote a check and everyone was happy.
R. had come down for coffee, then went up for bridge, and then came back down. We had a brief conversation about the morning’s in-law related email. He had misread the part about his brother, doubled down when I questioned it, but I read it out loud to him and clarified the meaning was what I thought it was, not what he thought it was. I then finally thought of a potential answer to the primary instigator of this round of in-law email, drafted it. I went for a walk with M., had snack, and discussed the snottiness level of the email with R. If it were him, he just wouldn’t have said anything, but my name was specifically mentioned in a particularly intricately awful way. I will explain, but if you do not give a shit, just skip the next paragraph.
Author of email in her capacity as executor of estate asked husband and I what we were going to ask for in terms of reimbursement from the estate (there would be nothing left of the estate if I asked for reimbursement of everything, which was actually acknowledged in these texts). Author further advocated for us asking for less, so that the estate would have more specifically for Florida Man’s housing needs. I believe that I referred to my emotional state in response to all this as “incandescent rage” and I dropped out of the text conversation entirely, beyond, “What he said” after my husband responded. Author’s husband stepped in _on her phone_ to reassure that there would not be money in Florida Man’s hands, which I then texted him about separately saying that helped with the incandescent rage and also noted that if Author was or had recently been seeing a therapist, maybe that person could help her out a bit because she sounded very distressed (she did. And she still does). The intricately awful was that she tacked onto the group email both, Yes I am distressed walkitout AND generally to everyone the addendum don’t contact my husband he’s on a vacation with friends and deserves a break from the drama. Don’t we all.
So, ignoring the whole exchange seemed … a good choice in the short run, and a poor choice overall. I got the proposed response down to an acceptable level of snottiness and sent it. I apparently got it right, because she replied just to me with some additional details that indicate she’s got quite a lot of insight into what she’s up to and how she’s feeling. Other than the Florida Man stuff, I’m quite sympathetic to the things she’s dealing with — it’s all very tough stuff.
Let me just say, I am _not_ good at this stuff and it feels very fraught. If you — anyone reading this — finds themselves dealing with complex drama around death / divorce / difficult adult sibling stuff / etc., here’s a sentence you might find useful.
“My condolences to you in the multiple, complex grieving processes you are currently navigating.”
It’ll do a lot of the work for you, and hopefully keep you out of worse trouble.
Life is hard. Be compassionate to yourself.