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All four of us went to Crossroads. We got there a little before noon and they were not open, so we went to the dollar store next door and bought a bunch of Valentine's Day stuff for the kids' classmates. We had a nice lunch. It was really entertaining (to me, anyway) listening to the kids bicker about a variety of things. Very family feeling. I like the way they Science. They are not always right, but they do better than a lot of adults I know, so I'm good with it. Also, A. has completely internalized the Wants Don't Have Whys rule and now blasts T. with it when he asks for reasons for feelings. (ETA: This is really good, because in the past, we all got very worn down by repeated demands for explanations for things that don't have explanations. Now, we say, there is no explanation. And there isn't an explanation for the lack of an explanation, either, at least not one that we have readily to hand, and asking again won't change that. And no, we can't google it, or look it up in wikipedia, either.) So I am now working on communicating the rationale for the Wants Don't Have Whys rule.
Of course, the real reason for Wants Don't Have Whys is because Reality. Wants don't have whys. A lot of breathtakingly broken people wander around insisting that they do have whys, and if you twist things around enough, you can be temporarily convinced. But they don't have whys. All the whys are After the Fact explanations -- Just So stories, if you will. People don't fall in love with a particular person for a reason. People don't like cucumbers or hate beets for a reason. You just do. You can experiment, and see if not liking cucumbers extends to zucchini, and maybe come up with a more abstract rule (it's green and crunchy with a particularly slippery texture), but that's not an explanation. It is a description.
Worse, when people wander around demanding explanations for feelings, preferences, desires, revulsions, etc., they rarely stop with the explanation (if there is one produced or not). The next step is criticism, followed up rapidly by an expectation that Magically, the want will change, so that the victim wants want the oppressor thinks they should want.
It won't. And it's time we put a stop to this kind of basic, inhuman abuse. I'm starting with my kids and anyone within my orbit who is willing to listen.
Wants Don't Have Whys. Preferences can only occasionally be described in words, and they can't be changed with Logic or Reasons or Argument. People who try to convince you that preference, desire, love or hate can be changed with reason are not people who are behaving well. Wants can change (and it can really be worth trying new foods repeatedly to see if one's feelings about them change over time, based on preparation, etc.). But they don't have reasons.
Of course, the real reason for Wants Don't Have Whys is because Reality. Wants don't have whys. A lot of breathtakingly broken people wander around insisting that they do have whys, and if you twist things around enough, you can be temporarily convinced. But they don't have whys. All the whys are After the Fact explanations -- Just So stories, if you will. People don't fall in love with a particular person for a reason. People don't like cucumbers or hate beets for a reason. You just do. You can experiment, and see if not liking cucumbers extends to zucchini, and maybe come up with a more abstract rule (it's green and crunchy with a particularly slippery texture), but that's not an explanation. It is a description.
Worse, when people wander around demanding explanations for feelings, preferences, desires, revulsions, etc., they rarely stop with the explanation (if there is one produced or not). The next step is criticism, followed up rapidly by an expectation that Magically, the want will change, so that the victim wants want the oppressor thinks they should want.
It won't. And it's time we put a stop to this kind of basic, inhuman abuse. I'm starting with my kids and anyone within my orbit who is willing to listen.
Wants Don't Have Whys. Preferences can only occasionally be described in words, and they can't be changed with Logic or Reasons or Argument. People who try to convince you that preference, desire, love or hate can be changed with reason are not people who are behaving well. Wants can change (and it can really be worth trying new foods repeatedly to see if one's feelings about them change over time, based on preparation, etc.). But they don't have reasons.