Last Night, There Was An Incident
Sep. 16th, 2020 09:24 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
walkitoutLast night, we had an Incident. The backstory: A. has a lot of stuff and is highly reluctant to part with any of it. I have some Concerns about this, because of family history. On my side, these problems tend to arise very late in life — in early life and through to late middle age, my family is very okay with getting rid of things they are done with. A few people on my side have developed issues when elderly that is part of a larger pattern of dementia. I tend to acquire a lot of stuff, hang onto it for a bit, and then pass it along, which is why there is constant decluttering posting (well, that and kids by their nature require moving the stuff along at consistent intervals). R. tends to acquire only a small amount of stuff in comparable intervals, but then never gets rid of it. Because I buy toys for my kids (and so do so many of my delightful friends and family), they acquire a ton of stuff. Also, Happy Meal Toys and other kid swag. Arts and Crafts. Etc. I try to get her to move along what she no longer cares about, and when that is failing miserably, I crate and age and weed through it myself, and try to limit what is out and visible at any given time. Specifically, the small table by the sofa, and about half the kitchen table are covered with exclusively her stuff. When it covers more than half of the kitchen table, I move things along the path to exiting our lives (the path has many stages, don’t worry).
A. _does_ use some of her stuff, and most of that lives in a couple of very specific locations and I just do not touch anything there ever, and if I see someone other than me, R. or A. taking an interest in stuff in those locations, I shoo them away. Back when we had people over, I would crate those entire locations and reposition everything after everyone had left.
Turns out, one of the recent items on the side table was a lip balm that was bubble gum flavored and made with R. out of some sort of craft kit. It was not particularly difficult to assemble, but did have to “set” for a while and thus consumed some time to make. She likes it. She brings it with her when she goes out for a walk sometimes. If she gets tired of carrying it or does not have a good pocket for it, she may give it to me to put in my purse, which I do, but then forget it is there until I clean out the purse or she asks for it. OK, that is the backstory.
Last night, I had a phone call with my friend K. In theory, this is a weekly phone call. As a practical matter, it happens maybe twice a month. I love this phone call. I look forward to it. A. often disrupts this phone call. It _may_ be that she legit does not want me to have the call — I definitely believe this part of the time, because A. has some very weird beliefs about the phone call (she has told me she thought it happened _every night_, when it is scheduled to be once a week and as a practical matter happens twice a month, if that). Also, the pattern of disruption is a little different from the pattern of her disrupting other phone calls. But it might be the case that I have this phone call at home in the evening, vs. in the middle of the day, or while out on a walk.
Anyway. She bounced out of bed a few times (we got her through her routine and into bed 5 minutes before the call, and A. and I were singing together in bed and it seemed like it was gonna work), and then decided she wanted the lip balm. I decided to ignore the ruckus and continue the call. A few minutes later, I was roped in, and directed people to look under furniture and went back to my call. Some minutes later — and more crying and ruckus — I checked in again, and redirected people to look under furniture, after I dumped out a bunch of crap that had been aging on the shelves in the kitchen after covering the table. I _covered_ the table iteratively with crap, found close to a dozen lip balms there and in the upstairs bathroom and the downstairs hall table and on A.’s dresser. Like, I have a gallon baggie that I was collecting them in and I currently count 11. None of them are the right one. The description I am getting is a little more precise, and I suggest they get out the lip balm making kit and make another one if it is that big a deal. They opt for more crying instead. I go back to my call.
Eventually, I get off the phone. At this point, A. has been fake moaning for probably 20 minutes or more, loud enough to be heard throughout the house, and to get her brother to leave his room and ask what is going on. I explain. I look through more crap. I start putting lip balms that have been rejected as inadequate into her trash bin. I mean, she really wants a lip balm right fucking now, and none of these are acceptable, ergo, they should be thrown away so we never have to curate them again. Nope, that gets her to grab the (pink painted metal) trash can and run screaming away from me _into my bedroom and closet_. I go get her and wrestle the pink metal can away from her. She surrenders, after mangling the can (it is metal, but it is not very thick metal), bruising her wrist in the process (there are some sharp bits on the can at this point, altho she does not cut her skin fortunately).
I am pretty mad at this point, but I do have a thought. I think, okay, if they really finally did look under all of the furniture, and assuming this thing really exists at all, where could it be? The claim is that it was around until very recently, on the table. And that is when I get to thinking about what moves things from that table. Answer: she moves things from that table and then asks to put them in my purse.
I go get my purse, open the side of the purse which I reserve for random crap she hands me (so it does not get mixed up with my stuff), and find the lip balm. I hand it to her.
I should add: I say a lot of harsh things to her throughout this process. I am incredibly angry. Between this, and what happened on Sunday with R., I am basically _done_ with having a family. I would rather be completely alone. Which I would not be, because I have friends.
So if you are angry at the people you live with, and would prefer living alone entirely, I hear you.
And if you are living entirely alone, and wondering if maybe you made some less than optimal life choices, just know that there are people out there (me) sorta wishing they were in your shoes. That may not make it feel any better. But maybe, just maybe, knowing that someone else is envying you, while you are envying them, will make it all a tiny bit more tolerable.
Eventually, I calmed down enough (just as my friends calmed me down from Sunday, my husband calmed me down from this) to go upstairs and apologize for the harsh things I said to my daughter and which I really did not mean (we hope, anyway). We also went over bedtime routine and how we could change it going forward. Basically, she no longer has to go to bed in the dark and try to sleep at 9 pm. She can stay up until 10 pm, she just has to go through the tooth brushing etc. at 9 pm, and then _go in her room and stay there without interacting with us_. She has permission to come out to use the loo or get her own water. I do not have any problem with her staying up later. She has not had any trouble getting up in the morning, and she has been popping up out of bed as late as 11, so this is honestly something we should have done sooner.
We also had some discussions about thinking about things from another person’s perspective, and showing more generosity. I have basically had it with being the person who has to solve all the conflict and figure out how to get everyone what they want. They need to step up a bit more and be more proactively kind and generous and helpful. Or, at the very least, not ask for so much shit late at night.
A. _does_ use some of her stuff, and most of that lives in a couple of very specific locations and I just do not touch anything there ever, and if I see someone other than me, R. or A. taking an interest in stuff in those locations, I shoo them away. Back when we had people over, I would crate those entire locations and reposition everything after everyone had left.
Turns out, one of the recent items on the side table was a lip balm that was bubble gum flavored and made with R. out of some sort of craft kit. It was not particularly difficult to assemble, but did have to “set” for a while and thus consumed some time to make. She likes it. She brings it with her when she goes out for a walk sometimes. If she gets tired of carrying it or does not have a good pocket for it, she may give it to me to put in my purse, which I do, but then forget it is there until I clean out the purse or she asks for it. OK, that is the backstory.
Last night, I had a phone call with my friend K. In theory, this is a weekly phone call. As a practical matter, it happens maybe twice a month. I love this phone call. I look forward to it. A. often disrupts this phone call. It _may_ be that she legit does not want me to have the call — I definitely believe this part of the time, because A. has some very weird beliefs about the phone call (she has told me she thought it happened _every night_, when it is scheduled to be once a week and as a practical matter happens twice a month, if that). Also, the pattern of disruption is a little different from the pattern of her disrupting other phone calls. But it might be the case that I have this phone call at home in the evening, vs. in the middle of the day, or while out on a walk.
Anyway. She bounced out of bed a few times (we got her through her routine and into bed 5 minutes before the call, and A. and I were singing together in bed and it seemed like it was gonna work), and then decided she wanted the lip balm. I decided to ignore the ruckus and continue the call. A few minutes later, I was roped in, and directed people to look under furniture and went back to my call. Some minutes later — and more crying and ruckus — I checked in again, and redirected people to look under furniture, after I dumped out a bunch of crap that had been aging on the shelves in the kitchen after covering the table. I _covered_ the table iteratively with crap, found close to a dozen lip balms there and in the upstairs bathroom and the downstairs hall table and on A.’s dresser. Like, I have a gallon baggie that I was collecting them in and I currently count 11. None of them are the right one. The description I am getting is a little more precise, and I suggest they get out the lip balm making kit and make another one if it is that big a deal. They opt for more crying instead. I go back to my call.
Eventually, I get off the phone. At this point, A. has been fake moaning for probably 20 minutes or more, loud enough to be heard throughout the house, and to get her brother to leave his room and ask what is going on. I explain. I look through more crap. I start putting lip balms that have been rejected as inadequate into her trash bin. I mean, she really wants a lip balm right fucking now, and none of these are acceptable, ergo, they should be thrown away so we never have to curate them again. Nope, that gets her to grab the (pink painted metal) trash can and run screaming away from me _into my bedroom and closet_. I go get her and wrestle the pink metal can away from her. She surrenders, after mangling the can (it is metal, but it is not very thick metal), bruising her wrist in the process (there are some sharp bits on the can at this point, altho she does not cut her skin fortunately).
I am pretty mad at this point, but I do have a thought. I think, okay, if they really finally did look under all of the furniture, and assuming this thing really exists at all, where could it be? The claim is that it was around until very recently, on the table. And that is when I get to thinking about what moves things from that table. Answer: she moves things from that table and then asks to put them in my purse.
I go get my purse, open the side of the purse which I reserve for random crap she hands me (so it does not get mixed up with my stuff), and find the lip balm. I hand it to her.
I should add: I say a lot of harsh things to her throughout this process. I am incredibly angry. Between this, and what happened on Sunday with R., I am basically _done_ with having a family. I would rather be completely alone. Which I would not be, because I have friends.
So if you are angry at the people you live with, and would prefer living alone entirely, I hear you.
And if you are living entirely alone, and wondering if maybe you made some less than optimal life choices, just know that there are people out there (me) sorta wishing they were in your shoes. That may not make it feel any better. But maybe, just maybe, knowing that someone else is envying you, while you are envying them, will make it all a tiny bit more tolerable.
Eventually, I calmed down enough (just as my friends calmed me down from Sunday, my husband calmed me down from this) to go upstairs and apologize for the harsh things I said to my daughter and which I really did not mean (we hope, anyway). We also went over bedtime routine and how we could change it going forward. Basically, she no longer has to go to bed in the dark and try to sleep at 9 pm. She can stay up until 10 pm, she just has to go through the tooth brushing etc. at 9 pm, and then _go in her room and stay there without interacting with us_. She has permission to come out to use the loo or get her own water. I do not have any problem with her staying up later. She has not had any trouble getting up in the morning, and she has been popping up out of bed as late as 11, so this is honestly something we should have done sooner.
We also had some discussions about thinking about things from another person’s perspective, and showing more generosity. I have basically had it with being the person who has to solve all the conflict and figure out how to get everyone what they want. They need to step up a bit more and be more proactively kind and generous and helpful. Or, at the very least, not ask for so much shit late at night.
no subject
Date: 2020-09-17 05:07 am (UTC)Thank you for your kind words.
Date: 2020-09-17 01:45 pm (UTC)