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walkitoutI keep looking for something aimed at helping with social / friends hanging out conversation spiraled a bit in a bad way type conflict NOT the kind of social conflict that requires direct action, lobbying representatives, participating in political campaigns, etc. I’m not finding what I am looking for, but I’m learning a lot anyway.
https://ctb.ku.edu/en/table-of-contents/implement/provide-information-enhance-skills/conflict-resolution/main
Reading things like this in 2022, it’s just incredible. It’s a little archive of the worst parts of the past, and what we did to try to survive.
“ Speak about yourself, not the other party. In the textbook example, you might say, "I feel angry to know that my children are reading this old-fashioned textbook," rather than, "How could you choose such a racist book?"”
Because, you know, absolutely not okay back then to suggest that something was racist.
“In conflict resolution, the best solution is the solution that is best for both sides. Of course, that's not always possible to find, but you should use all your resources to solve your conflict as smoothly as you can.”
It _sounds_ _so_ _reasonable_, doesn’t it? It’s totally fucking wrong. I mean, think about it. If you are in conflict with a mosquito, do you want a solution that is best for both sides? No, you want to smash the mosquito and then clean up any residual blood smear. If you are in conflict with a person who is trying to force you to drive him to the Capitol to engage in a coup, do you want what is best for that person? If you are wrapping up a transaction at the ATM and someone approaches you with a weapon and demands money from you, do you want what is best for both sides?
If a neighbor’s dog bites your kid, do you want what is best for the dog? For the neighbor?
It is _great_ that this chapter recognizes the existence of power differentials, and recognizes that it is not always possible to find a solution that is best for both sides. It is _unfortunate_ that this chapter frames conflict as binary; usually, it is more complicated than two sides. But it is _offensive_ that there is so little in this chapter that explicitly frames the tactics it presents as, hey, sorry, reality bites but we have to do this. There is _nothing_ here to say, oh, and by the way, once you no longer _have_ to do it this way, you _definitely should not_. You are dealing with a bunch of people with power, who are _NOT_ looking out for you, so in order to get anything, you have to find some way for you AND them to win.
Once you have power, you probably should put a lot less energy into helping the bad guys keep winning. You should use your power to sap the effectiveness of the people you are in conflict with. That’s what they always did to you. Make _them_ put in the effort to find the creative solutions that work for both / everyone. You have better things to do.
ETA:
KU is located in Lawrence. Lawrence in Kansas is named after Lawrence in Massachusetts because abolitionists from Massachusetts _went to Kansas_ to bring the fight against slavery there. There were battles there long before the Civil War.
The wikipedia entry on Lawrence goes into some detail. It is absolutely relevant and absolutely worth reading.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lawrence%2C_Kansas
https://ctb.ku.edu/en/table-of-contents/implement/provide-information-enhance-skills/conflict-resolution/main
Reading things like this in 2022, it’s just incredible. It’s a little archive of the worst parts of the past, and what we did to try to survive.
“ Speak about yourself, not the other party. In the textbook example, you might say, "I feel angry to know that my children are reading this old-fashioned textbook," rather than, "How could you choose such a racist book?"”
Because, you know, absolutely not okay back then to suggest that something was racist.
“In conflict resolution, the best solution is the solution that is best for both sides. Of course, that's not always possible to find, but you should use all your resources to solve your conflict as smoothly as you can.”
It _sounds_ _so_ _reasonable_, doesn’t it? It’s totally fucking wrong. I mean, think about it. If you are in conflict with a mosquito, do you want a solution that is best for both sides? No, you want to smash the mosquito and then clean up any residual blood smear. If you are in conflict with a person who is trying to force you to drive him to the Capitol to engage in a coup, do you want what is best for that person? If you are wrapping up a transaction at the ATM and someone approaches you with a weapon and demands money from you, do you want what is best for both sides?
If a neighbor’s dog bites your kid, do you want what is best for the dog? For the neighbor?
It is _great_ that this chapter recognizes the existence of power differentials, and recognizes that it is not always possible to find a solution that is best for both sides. It is _unfortunate_ that this chapter frames conflict as binary; usually, it is more complicated than two sides. But it is _offensive_ that there is so little in this chapter that explicitly frames the tactics it presents as, hey, sorry, reality bites but we have to do this. There is _nothing_ here to say, oh, and by the way, once you no longer _have_ to do it this way, you _definitely should not_. You are dealing with a bunch of people with power, who are _NOT_ looking out for you, so in order to get anything, you have to find some way for you AND them to win.
Once you have power, you probably should put a lot less energy into helping the bad guys keep winning. You should use your power to sap the effectiveness of the people you are in conflict with. That’s what they always did to you. Make _them_ put in the effort to find the creative solutions that work for both / everyone. You have better things to do.
ETA:
KU is located in Lawrence. Lawrence in Kansas is named after Lawrence in Massachusetts because abolitionists from Massachusetts _went to Kansas_ to bring the fight against slavery there. There were battles there long before the Civil War.
The wikipedia entry on Lawrence goes into some detail. It is absolutely relevant and absolutely worth reading.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lawrence%2C_Kansas