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Monday: Definitely a Monday
Feb. 13th, 2023 11:00 pmIt was a half day, and A. got her homework done (only science and math) quite promptly with minimal prompting. Also, we walked the 1 mile loop together. I had also done it with M. a bit earlier.
I made a loaf of bread; it turned out well.
I set up a charging kit for travel for A., so she won’t have to keep packing and unpacking her regular charging setup. I’d already done this for myself years ago and it is very helpful in terms of not forgetting things.
Also, the Miele electric wand arrived and it _works_. I vacuumed the rug in the master bedroom and even the powerhead works. Yay!
So far, so good, right?
I feel like I need a timeline, supporting documents, a dramatis personae and probably a flow chart to explain all the relationships, in order to adequately explain why texts from the in-laws today triggered absolutely incandescent rage in me. Short form: younger SIL successfully tracked down BIL and is trying to hook him up with community services again. She wanted to know if we would be pursuing reimbursement from the estate, and on what scale. Background there: we were paying half of FIL’s expenses in assisted living for years, and over the last year that had escalated to round-the-clock aides. His estate could easily reimburse all of what we spent. That “we” is the legal marital “we”; most of it came out of my money (we did run down FSA balances, so that came out of my husband’s accounts). Further background: in 2019/2020 timeframe, I spent low order hundreds of thousands of dollars on private pay psychiatric hospitalization for BIL; I stopped when he walked out of a program and he refused to come back to any program. He’s been homeless most of the subsequent time and was for a time in a felony diversion program. Still more background: the two SILs are executors for FIL; my husband held POA and healthcare proxy during life. Younger SIL’s husband holds POA for BIL.
So, one of the executors for FIL, and who was part of the family system that learned painfully over years and in really painful detail through various psychiatric programs how bad an idea it is to give cash in any form to BIL, wants to minimize requests for reimbursement from us to maximize FILs estate, so that she can get as much of it to BIL as possible because he needs housing. We all _specifically_ _discussed_ that the most important thing to have happen when FIL died — and FIL was involved in these discussions — was that money NOT GO TO BIL.
I’m simultaneously _calmer_, having gotten that out, and also even more enraged.
[ETA: There are _tons_ of other ways to house BIL. SIL could pay for his housing out of her own funds, _or her own share of the estate_. But ideally, you know, BIL reconnects to community services and they reconnect him to housing. But they’ve — community services — set him up with job and housing and care providers before; he keeps walking out on them.]
Meanwhile, other SIL — other co-executor — separately sends text to just me asking for a phone call on Wednesday during a two hour window that is both most of the window I can have my weekly phone call with J. and also includes school pickup for A. Replacement piano lesson starts right after the end of the 2 hour window. I’m like, I could — she didn’t say what this was about — but I was reluctant to because of the phone call. People can’t read minds, so I put a chunk of detail on why that phone call is important in general, but _supremely_ important currently. I used terms that I can’t put here without it being a confidentiality problem that even I am not optimistic enough to believe I’ve anonymized enough for.
Absolutely zero acknowledgement of the seriousness of the issues. None. Whatsoever. And honestly? Failure to OMG I’m so sorry they are going through all that after what I wrote is kinda all by itself a relationship ender. SIL _did_ acknowledge that the urgency was around her feelings that our relationship was fraying and she didn’t know why, but that it could wait. I told her I appreciated that a lot, and that we could catch up in March. I followed up an hour or so later with a bit _more_ detail, to really convey to her how impactful this situation was on our family, not just me, but also A., and no acknowledgement on that either. I’m kinda flabbergasted.
I’d had it in the back of my mind that maybe the in laws take me for granted because I don’t speak up enough about what’s going on with me, but you know, I don’t think that’s it at all. I think they’re just really awful people. I mean, _I know_ they are really awful people. You have to be some kind of special awful to find it difficult to choose between your husband and your forty something brother, when the brother beats the shit out of your husband for asking a simple question. You have to be some kind of special awful when you decide to hire really expensive lawyers — and extensively misrepresent the truth to get them to take the job — to ensure your forty something brother gets joint custody of toddlers, _after_ your brother broke the baby girl’s arm and tried to convince people that the girl’s mother did it instead. And I get being loyal to a spouse, but I would never fucking let my husband pull any of that shit, and yet these people have spouses that let them do it.
I texted husband of younger SIL and suggested that SIL was maybe pretty distressed, because distressing things and perhaps reconnecting with the kind of people who are good at helping in those situations would be a good idea.
While I was oh, so, carefully NOT nuking every bridge that connects me to these people, I’ve been trying to figure out what I want … out of any of this. Mostly, I want it to be over. I don’t want to see or talk to or have anything to do with any of these people… like, ever again.
So I texted the ex-wife of BIL, since we’d been talking about setting up a joint birthday party for the kids in the spring, and the spring is coming up quick. I’ll be calling the place tomorrow to get a sense of how to set up a party (group?) that’s more than the 20 people packages that are online, and we’ll nail down a date and get this thing rolling. Because I really _like_ her. I like spending time with her. Her kids are fantastic. She’s funny. She’s kind. She’s _way_ kinder than I am — vegetarian, and a rescuer of animals. I feel good when I’m around her. When we work to solve problems together, good things happen.
I’m still FB friends with the first ex-wife of BIL. BIL is an absolute hot mess of a person, and both does awful things and inspires the worst in his sisters. Love his ex-wives, tho. There is some kind of lesson here.
ETA:
Oh, also, MIL fell down and went to the hospital. Since FIL’s death, there’s been a real escalation in health-talk from MIL (they divorced when husband was a teen), so a fall was not too surprising. She didn’t want to go to the closest hospital, but went to a different one, so I was betting it wasn’t too serious. Several hours later, she’s still there, unclear what if anything is happening. It’s tricky when someone has a history compatible with somatoform disorder, to know just how to respond to a situation like this. We’ll be seeing her soon; hopefully we’ll get a better sense at that point.
ETAYA:
My basic plan if I decide I just want this all to stop is to figure out where BIL is, get a nice stack of cash, and go hand it to him. I have a lot of faith in reality. I originally thought about other things I could give him, and then was like, d’oh, I’d have to learn how to commit crimes, then commit the crimes, etc. Why? There’s a shorter path. Hand him the money. He’ll take care of the rest. (No, I’m not going to do this, either. I have values. I do try to live them. A core value is not to use money in a way that helps people hurt themselves.)
I have broad, deep experience with people who are relentlessly awful. It’s best to just go spend time and resources with people who are wonderful. Or at least enjoyable to be around. There’s only so much time. If you spend all of it with wonderful people, well, there isn’t any left for the relentlessly awful. It’s no one’s fault.
I made a loaf of bread; it turned out well.
I set up a charging kit for travel for A., so she won’t have to keep packing and unpacking her regular charging setup. I’d already done this for myself years ago and it is very helpful in terms of not forgetting things.
Also, the Miele electric wand arrived and it _works_. I vacuumed the rug in the master bedroom and even the powerhead works. Yay!
So far, so good, right?
I feel like I need a timeline, supporting documents, a dramatis personae and probably a flow chart to explain all the relationships, in order to adequately explain why texts from the in-laws today triggered absolutely incandescent rage in me. Short form: younger SIL successfully tracked down BIL and is trying to hook him up with community services again. She wanted to know if we would be pursuing reimbursement from the estate, and on what scale. Background there: we were paying half of FIL’s expenses in assisted living for years, and over the last year that had escalated to round-the-clock aides. His estate could easily reimburse all of what we spent. That “we” is the legal marital “we”; most of it came out of my money (we did run down FSA balances, so that came out of my husband’s accounts). Further background: in 2019/2020 timeframe, I spent low order hundreds of thousands of dollars on private pay psychiatric hospitalization for BIL; I stopped when he walked out of a program and he refused to come back to any program. He’s been homeless most of the subsequent time and was for a time in a felony diversion program. Still more background: the two SILs are executors for FIL; my husband held POA and healthcare proxy during life. Younger SIL’s husband holds POA for BIL.
So, one of the executors for FIL, and who was part of the family system that learned painfully over years and in really painful detail through various psychiatric programs how bad an idea it is to give cash in any form to BIL, wants to minimize requests for reimbursement from us to maximize FILs estate, so that she can get as much of it to BIL as possible because he needs housing. We all _specifically_ _discussed_ that the most important thing to have happen when FIL died — and FIL was involved in these discussions — was that money NOT GO TO BIL.
I’m simultaneously _calmer_, having gotten that out, and also even more enraged.
[ETA: There are _tons_ of other ways to house BIL. SIL could pay for his housing out of her own funds, _or her own share of the estate_. But ideally, you know, BIL reconnects to community services and they reconnect him to housing. But they’ve — community services — set him up with job and housing and care providers before; he keeps walking out on them.]
Meanwhile, other SIL — other co-executor — separately sends text to just me asking for a phone call on Wednesday during a two hour window that is both most of the window I can have my weekly phone call with J. and also includes school pickup for A. Replacement piano lesson starts right after the end of the 2 hour window. I’m like, I could — she didn’t say what this was about — but I was reluctant to because of the phone call. People can’t read minds, so I put a chunk of detail on why that phone call is important in general, but _supremely_ important currently. I used terms that I can’t put here without it being a confidentiality problem that even I am not optimistic enough to believe I’ve anonymized enough for.
Absolutely zero acknowledgement of the seriousness of the issues. None. Whatsoever. And honestly? Failure to OMG I’m so sorry they are going through all that after what I wrote is kinda all by itself a relationship ender. SIL _did_ acknowledge that the urgency was around her feelings that our relationship was fraying and she didn’t know why, but that it could wait. I told her I appreciated that a lot, and that we could catch up in March. I followed up an hour or so later with a bit _more_ detail, to really convey to her how impactful this situation was on our family, not just me, but also A., and no acknowledgement on that either. I’m kinda flabbergasted.
I’d had it in the back of my mind that maybe the in laws take me for granted because I don’t speak up enough about what’s going on with me, but you know, I don’t think that’s it at all. I think they’re just really awful people. I mean, _I know_ they are really awful people. You have to be some kind of special awful to find it difficult to choose between your husband and your forty something brother, when the brother beats the shit out of your husband for asking a simple question. You have to be some kind of special awful when you decide to hire really expensive lawyers — and extensively misrepresent the truth to get them to take the job — to ensure your forty something brother gets joint custody of toddlers, _after_ your brother broke the baby girl’s arm and tried to convince people that the girl’s mother did it instead. And I get being loyal to a spouse, but I would never fucking let my husband pull any of that shit, and yet these people have spouses that let them do it.
I texted husband of younger SIL and suggested that SIL was maybe pretty distressed, because distressing things and perhaps reconnecting with the kind of people who are good at helping in those situations would be a good idea.
While I was oh, so, carefully NOT nuking every bridge that connects me to these people, I’ve been trying to figure out what I want … out of any of this. Mostly, I want it to be over. I don’t want to see or talk to or have anything to do with any of these people… like, ever again.
So I texted the ex-wife of BIL, since we’d been talking about setting up a joint birthday party for the kids in the spring, and the spring is coming up quick. I’ll be calling the place tomorrow to get a sense of how to set up a party (group?) that’s more than the 20 people packages that are online, and we’ll nail down a date and get this thing rolling. Because I really _like_ her. I like spending time with her. Her kids are fantastic. She’s funny. She’s kind. She’s _way_ kinder than I am — vegetarian, and a rescuer of animals. I feel good when I’m around her. When we work to solve problems together, good things happen.
I’m still FB friends with the first ex-wife of BIL. BIL is an absolute hot mess of a person, and both does awful things and inspires the worst in his sisters. Love his ex-wives, tho. There is some kind of lesson here.
ETA:
Oh, also, MIL fell down and went to the hospital. Since FIL’s death, there’s been a real escalation in health-talk from MIL (they divorced when husband was a teen), so a fall was not too surprising. She didn’t want to go to the closest hospital, but went to a different one, so I was betting it wasn’t too serious. Several hours later, she’s still there, unclear what if anything is happening. It’s tricky when someone has a history compatible with somatoform disorder, to know just how to respond to a situation like this. We’ll be seeing her soon; hopefully we’ll get a better sense at that point.
ETAYA:
My basic plan if I decide I just want this all to stop is to figure out where BIL is, get a nice stack of cash, and go hand it to him. I have a lot of faith in reality. I originally thought about other things I could give him, and then was like, d’oh, I’d have to learn how to commit crimes, then commit the crimes, etc. Why? There’s a shorter path. Hand him the money. He’ll take care of the rest. (No, I’m not going to do this, either. I have values. I do try to live them. A core value is not to use money in a way that helps people hurt themselves.)
I have broad, deep experience with people who are relentlessly awful. It’s best to just go spend time and resources with people who are wonderful. Or at least enjoyable to be around. There’s only so much time. If you spend all of it with wonderful people, well, there isn’t any left for the relentlessly awful. It’s no one’s fault.