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Obviously, I spent a bunch of time with A. on the clocky app. After watching a ton of But Why Did You Put That On Your Dating Profile yesterday, we did the FYP today, and that included more online dating stories. I thought about what we were hearing, and then I paused the clock to tell A. what I thought she should use as a rule if she is ever going out to a restaurant with someone that she does not know well. If she’s in a line, pay for herself, no problems. If it’s a sit-down place, think ahead of time whether her intention is to pay only for herself, or for both (presumably, a small group is imaginable, but that’s a really different dynamic than 1-1). Tell the _server_ either, “We’re splitting the check” or, “Please bring the bill to me”, and do that _at the beginning, before any food has been ordered.
I said, paying in this context has three components: power, responsibility and safety. If you are at a restaurant eating, you are responsible for that bill getting paid, and if it isn’t paid, then that can become a prosecution as a crime (dine and dash). If the other person pays, they might have a screwy idea that paying for the meal entitles them to something from you in return, which could become a safety issue. Most importantly — and I have taught her this repeatedly — the person who pays is the one with the power and vice versa. Lots of people say all kinds of stuff about how this varies by society and so forth, and in a negotiated transaction with a bunch of back and forth, there _might_ be near equality between the buyer and the seller. But in general, if you are paying, you are the one with the power, especially if it exists in a social context and there’s one or more people eating _who is not paying_. Would be patriarchs totally understand this. I think we should, too.
Once you _know_ the other person, you can work out whatever you like between yourselves; I don’t care. This is to deal with the hazards of negotiating with an unfamiliar person in an unfamiliar context. I also pointed out that this gives you the option to get up and walk out without having to wait for the check to arrive and be paid, if the other party to this event decides to have Issues with you paying for yourself / both of you. If they are that committed to paying for both of you, then you probably shouldn’t be sharing food with them; who knows what they might be doing to the food in a moment of your inattention.
I then thought, you know, probably should include R. in this. He seemed fine with it, and mentioned Venmo as a way that young people even things out. This is all true, but also, I’m not sure you should be sharing your venmo info with someone you might need to scrape off of your life in the near future. Probably this will depend on how anonymous you are being in a dating context.
A. and I walked with M.
I had a delightful phone call with K.
I made peach and nectarine crisp, which is yummy, and almost gone.
I had a tomato, lentil, green onion, kale and garlic scape (I had to get some out of the freezer), pasta bowl for lunch. I made T. pasta with red sauce for lunch.
I donated to a variety of organizations, because I realized I’d been a bit of a slacker this year, so I tried to do a little catching up.
Oh! I forgot to entertain the idea that the other party to the first date might bring up who will be paying! Interesting! I think if they bring it up without committing to any outcome, definitely go with splitting the check.
I said, paying in this context has three components: power, responsibility and safety. If you are at a restaurant eating, you are responsible for that bill getting paid, and if it isn’t paid, then that can become a prosecution as a crime (dine and dash). If the other person pays, they might have a screwy idea that paying for the meal entitles them to something from you in return, which could become a safety issue. Most importantly — and I have taught her this repeatedly — the person who pays is the one with the power and vice versa. Lots of people say all kinds of stuff about how this varies by society and so forth, and in a negotiated transaction with a bunch of back and forth, there _might_ be near equality between the buyer and the seller. But in general, if you are paying, you are the one with the power, especially if it exists in a social context and there’s one or more people eating _who is not paying_. Would be patriarchs totally understand this. I think we should, too.
Once you _know_ the other person, you can work out whatever you like between yourselves; I don’t care. This is to deal with the hazards of negotiating with an unfamiliar person in an unfamiliar context. I also pointed out that this gives you the option to get up and walk out without having to wait for the check to arrive and be paid, if the other party to this event decides to have Issues with you paying for yourself / both of you. If they are that committed to paying for both of you, then you probably shouldn’t be sharing food with them; who knows what they might be doing to the food in a moment of your inattention.
I then thought, you know, probably should include R. in this. He seemed fine with it, and mentioned Venmo as a way that young people even things out. This is all true, but also, I’m not sure you should be sharing your venmo info with someone you might need to scrape off of your life in the near future. Probably this will depend on how anonymous you are being in a dating context.
A. and I walked with M.
I had a delightful phone call with K.
I made peach and nectarine crisp, which is yummy, and almost gone.
I had a tomato, lentil, green onion, kale and garlic scape (I had to get some out of the freezer), pasta bowl for lunch. I made T. pasta with red sauce for lunch.
I donated to a variety of organizations, because I realized I’d been a bit of a slacker this year, so I tried to do a little catching up.
Oh! I forgot to entertain the idea that the other party to the first date might bring up who will be paying! Interesting! I think if they bring it up without committing to any outcome, definitely go with splitting the check.