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Smart Phone Etiquette
Feb. 8th, 2018 09:30 amWaPo article about Yondr founder:
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/inspired-life/wp/2018/02/05/this-millennial-discovered-a-surprisingly-simple-solution-to-smartphone-addiction-schools-love-it/
These are the grey pouches with unlocking stations that schools, concerts and other venues are using to get people to stop using their phones when they are supposed to be paying attention to something else. The founder of Yondr, and the author of the article, are focusing on etiquette adjustments, which I entirely approve of, and I personally find the idea of the pouches appealing, as a way to avoid physically taking possession of the devices, which opens a door to loss, abuse and litigation.
I am very, very literal minded. While I recognize that as a parent, it is my job to take pictures of my kids (becoming an adult with few candids from childhood is really, really sad), and as a parent, I _am_ the person who can legally consent when it comes to taking pictures of my children and what can be done with those pictures (I sign these forms several times a year, what with various activities they participate in), I _still_ feel an impulse to get permission before taking pictures of, well, anyone, including my own children.
That said, I had a friend for about a year, who routinely and quite furtively took pictures of all kinds of people who had no idea she was taking pictures of them, and then shared them without necessarily getting permission. She turned out to be a deeply problematic person (viz borderline personality disorder) and did me the favor of dumping me as a result of some lies that her daughter told about me. It had not occurred to me to connect the weird photo taking behavior (I don’t think I know any one else who does this) and the other problems, but I am starting to wonder — it does have that school-age mean girls kind of vibe to it.
I, personally, kind of l like it when everyone in a room is nose deep in a book, magazine, newspaper, or electronic device. It is quiet. And I’m even basically okay with periodic interruptions to share funny bits — that can make for a very cozy weekend morning. In much the same way I would have sometimes been annoyed if I went to lunch with a friend and they whipped out the paperback novel they were completely enthralled by, I can now be irritated by sitting across a restaurant table with someone who got distracted by a funny story (or not very funny at all, but weirdly addictive) on facebook.
But it isn’t _new_. There were rules _then_ about not reading at the dinner table, that I was basically happy to flout, if that’s what the group in general wanted to do. And even when someone unilaterally opted out of a group interaction in favor of the paper or a magazine or novel, I didn’t hate them for it. I’d try once or at most twice to re-engage them, but if they didn’t want to engage, that is their business. They are not there to entertain me. Even if we made this arrangement some time ago — especially if it is a regularly scheduled event. Certainly, people I don’t know, who I run into in an institutional setting (the waiting room of the front office of a school) or in line at the grocery store, do not owe me social interaction or conversation. And yet, back in the day, when I was nose deep in a great book, someone would all too often harass me for not entertaining them. And it wasn’t just me — High Priestess has a few vivid memories of this as well.
If I pull my phone out at a concert, it is to snap a selfie of me and son at the concert. If I connect to FB at a concert, it is to upload that selfie and tell my friends Hey, We Are At A Concert. It takes a few minutes, and then the phone goes back. I might pull it out during the intermission, if watching the setup for the next band is really funny. I don’t have the phone out video’ing the entire fucking concert. I remember going to see Chicago in my teens, and being so bored at the long wait for the band, that I pulled out a deck of cards and played solitaire on the bench. Someone else asked if they could play, so I think we played war or slap jack or something like that. The pot smokers a row or two down rolled their eyes at us. I don’t see the problem with me having an accessible phone at a concert. There is one _slight_ problem, which is that my sister and I often have evening text / phone conversations. While I’m willing to text back and forth with her briefly while out at a restaurant or at a show, she sometimes follows up with a phone call, and then I have to decline as she tries multiple lines in a row (all of which forward to my phone), and then madly type out an explanation (which is a big chunk of why I take pictures of me and the boy at concerts, so that people won’t be too tempted to Hey Let’s Chat With Walkitout at the most inopportune time).
Apparently, this use pattern is Not the Problem. The problem seems to be people taking pictures and video of Random Others who are less inhibited than they are, and then making fun of them publicly. That’s the school problem. That may well be the comedy club problem. The dating problem is _definitely_ an old one — out on a date with one person, and FOMO driving multiple contacts with other people, leading to pariah status as a dater and having to move to a new city to start over.
If a lockable pouch stops that stuff, then, sure, okay. Whatever. Just don’t make me pouch my phone when I’m the On Call Parent. I might actually have to leave and deal with something. And you can be sure that I am not uploading pictures of people dancing and making fun of them.
But if I’m being honest, R. and I really use our phones socially inappropriately in one particular way that I’m sure annoys the hell out of other people (I know — they’ve yelled at me in public about it. And I’m not stopping.). When a point of fact — how is a word spelled or pronounced, when did Event X occur, what was the name of the person who, are two people with the same last name related, etc. — arises in the course of a discussion, we will consult with wikipedia, and we love doing this. Love love love. Some of my most painful memories from childhood are being in a car with my family going door to door (Jehovah’s Witnesses) and arguing about things like, the correct pronunciation of Himalaya. The memories only became more painful when I learned that I should advocate to wait until we could get a dictionary, atlas, encyclopedia, etc. —- because most people who are capable of having that argument are NOT capable of remembering or waiting to settle it later. I spent years, pre google, accumulating references books of various sorts and keeping them up to date with replacements, so if I had people over to dinner and one of these shouting matches (Never Wonder If the Autism Diagnosis Is Accurate) was about to really get going, I could distract everyone by poking through the books, and they would play along because experience had taught them the odds were good an answer would be revealed, and no one wanted to entrench and be proven wrong on the spot.
It may be annoying when we research a point of fact while at a speakeasy or a fine dining establishment. But we’re going to do it anyway. It is part of the conversation which we are having, rather than being nose deep in our screens.
(I should add something here about how schools that work hard to create a compassionate and welcoming environment don’t have to worry so much about smart phone control as schools which focus on Rules Against Cyber Bullying. But that is anecdotal experience only.)
ETA: Just one more thing . . . I like looking around a concert and watching the patterns of what people are doing with their phones. I do this at restaurants, too. I love speculating about what kind of person engages in each pattern. And I really do prefer people using the flash on a phone to butane lighters in a darkened arena. This article, and the rationale for Yondr incorporated in it, is the first time I’ve heard of or seen a use pattern that struck me as worth working to stamp out. It is awful to stop people from dancing. Also, texting is so damn _quiet_ compared to actual cell phone calls, which used to be so amazingly common just a few years ago, in restaurants, and now happen only very occasionally.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/inspired-life/wp/2018/02/05/this-millennial-discovered-a-surprisingly-simple-solution-to-smartphone-addiction-schools-love-it/
These are the grey pouches with unlocking stations that schools, concerts and other venues are using to get people to stop using their phones when they are supposed to be paying attention to something else. The founder of Yondr, and the author of the article, are focusing on etiquette adjustments, which I entirely approve of, and I personally find the idea of the pouches appealing, as a way to avoid physically taking possession of the devices, which opens a door to loss, abuse and litigation.
I am very, very literal minded. While I recognize that as a parent, it is my job to take pictures of my kids (becoming an adult with few candids from childhood is really, really sad), and as a parent, I _am_ the person who can legally consent when it comes to taking pictures of my children and what can be done with those pictures (I sign these forms several times a year, what with various activities they participate in), I _still_ feel an impulse to get permission before taking pictures of, well, anyone, including my own children.
That said, I had a friend for about a year, who routinely and quite furtively took pictures of all kinds of people who had no idea she was taking pictures of them, and then shared them without necessarily getting permission. She turned out to be a deeply problematic person (viz borderline personality disorder) and did me the favor of dumping me as a result of some lies that her daughter told about me. It had not occurred to me to connect the weird photo taking behavior (I don’t think I know any one else who does this) and the other problems, but I am starting to wonder — it does have that school-age mean girls kind of vibe to it.
I, personally, kind of l like it when everyone in a room is nose deep in a book, magazine, newspaper, or electronic device. It is quiet. And I’m even basically okay with periodic interruptions to share funny bits — that can make for a very cozy weekend morning. In much the same way I would have sometimes been annoyed if I went to lunch with a friend and they whipped out the paperback novel they were completely enthralled by, I can now be irritated by sitting across a restaurant table with someone who got distracted by a funny story (or not very funny at all, but weirdly addictive) on facebook.
But it isn’t _new_. There were rules _then_ about not reading at the dinner table, that I was basically happy to flout, if that’s what the group in general wanted to do. And even when someone unilaterally opted out of a group interaction in favor of the paper or a magazine or novel, I didn’t hate them for it. I’d try once or at most twice to re-engage them, but if they didn’t want to engage, that is their business. They are not there to entertain me. Even if we made this arrangement some time ago — especially if it is a regularly scheduled event. Certainly, people I don’t know, who I run into in an institutional setting (the waiting room of the front office of a school) or in line at the grocery store, do not owe me social interaction or conversation. And yet, back in the day, when I was nose deep in a great book, someone would all too often harass me for not entertaining them. And it wasn’t just me — High Priestess has a few vivid memories of this as well.
If I pull my phone out at a concert, it is to snap a selfie of me and son at the concert. If I connect to FB at a concert, it is to upload that selfie and tell my friends Hey, We Are At A Concert. It takes a few minutes, and then the phone goes back. I might pull it out during the intermission, if watching the setup for the next band is really funny. I don’t have the phone out video’ing the entire fucking concert. I remember going to see Chicago in my teens, and being so bored at the long wait for the band, that I pulled out a deck of cards and played solitaire on the bench. Someone else asked if they could play, so I think we played war or slap jack or something like that. The pot smokers a row or two down rolled their eyes at us. I don’t see the problem with me having an accessible phone at a concert. There is one _slight_ problem, which is that my sister and I often have evening text / phone conversations. While I’m willing to text back and forth with her briefly while out at a restaurant or at a show, she sometimes follows up with a phone call, and then I have to decline as she tries multiple lines in a row (all of which forward to my phone), and then madly type out an explanation (which is a big chunk of why I take pictures of me and the boy at concerts, so that people won’t be too tempted to Hey Let’s Chat With Walkitout at the most inopportune time).
Apparently, this use pattern is Not the Problem. The problem seems to be people taking pictures and video of Random Others who are less inhibited than they are, and then making fun of them publicly. That’s the school problem. That may well be the comedy club problem. The dating problem is _definitely_ an old one — out on a date with one person, and FOMO driving multiple contacts with other people, leading to pariah status as a dater and having to move to a new city to start over.
If a lockable pouch stops that stuff, then, sure, okay. Whatever. Just don’t make me pouch my phone when I’m the On Call Parent. I might actually have to leave and deal with something. And you can be sure that I am not uploading pictures of people dancing and making fun of them.
But if I’m being honest, R. and I really use our phones socially inappropriately in one particular way that I’m sure annoys the hell out of other people (I know — they’ve yelled at me in public about it. And I’m not stopping.). When a point of fact — how is a word spelled or pronounced, when did Event X occur, what was the name of the person who, are two people with the same last name related, etc. — arises in the course of a discussion, we will consult with wikipedia, and we love doing this. Love love love. Some of my most painful memories from childhood are being in a car with my family going door to door (Jehovah’s Witnesses) and arguing about things like, the correct pronunciation of Himalaya. The memories only became more painful when I learned that I should advocate to wait until we could get a dictionary, atlas, encyclopedia, etc. —- because most people who are capable of having that argument are NOT capable of remembering or waiting to settle it later. I spent years, pre google, accumulating references books of various sorts and keeping them up to date with replacements, so if I had people over to dinner and one of these shouting matches (Never Wonder If the Autism Diagnosis Is Accurate) was about to really get going, I could distract everyone by poking through the books, and they would play along because experience had taught them the odds were good an answer would be revealed, and no one wanted to entrench and be proven wrong on the spot.
It may be annoying when we research a point of fact while at a speakeasy or a fine dining establishment. But we’re going to do it anyway. It is part of the conversation which we are having, rather than being nose deep in our screens.
(I should add something here about how schools that work hard to create a compassionate and welcoming environment don’t have to worry so much about smart phone control as schools which focus on Rules Against Cyber Bullying. But that is anecdotal experience only.)
ETA: Just one more thing . . . I like looking around a concert and watching the patterns of what people are doing with their phones. I do this at restaurants, too. I love speculating about what kind of person engages in each pattern. And I really do prefer people using the flash on a phone to butane lighters in a darkened arena. This article, and the rationale for Yondr incorporated in it, is the first time I’ve heard of or seen a use pattern that struck me as worth working to stamp out. It is awful to stop people from dancing. Also, texting is so damn _quiet_ compared to actual cell phone calls, which used to be so amazingly common just a few years ago, in restaurants, and now happen only very occasionally.