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walkitoutI had an amazing conversation with K. on Friday that was mostly (we talked about some other things first, but once we got going on this, it’s almost all we talked about) about whether or not it was possible to have romance novels with protagonists in their 50s (give or take).
I want to be clear: I _have read_ several romance novels that have protagonists which are almost 50 or well over 50. They _do_ exist. I know that. That was not my point. My point actually had to do with how there are so few that they don’t even qualify as a meaningful subgenre, and that’s because of issues with our culture, and until those cultural issues change, we are not going to have a subgenre of romance novels with protagonists who are in their 50s (give or take).
Romance novels have one requirement, and I don’t want that to change — once you change that, it isn’t a romance novel of the genre any more. It may be a fine book, but it isn’t in the genre. It MUST have an HEA. It can be an HEA “for now”. It can be a “Emotionally Satisfying Ending” HEA. But it MUST have an HEA.
But genre romances have a variety of other conventions that _can_ and I would argue _must_ change if we are going to have protagonists in their 50s (give or take). I argued — and continue to believe — that we have to quit thinking of romantic relationships in terms of (life)long(term) dyads. We also have to adjust our ideas of what it means to be physically attracted and who is physically attractive.
I know that anyone reading is going to have Issues, and one of those Issues is going to be: But I’ve Read Books Where …
So have I.
So let’s dig in, shall we!
(1) Protagonists in their 50s (give or take) could easily be conventionally attractive. Tall men stay tall. Some of them keep their hair. If they go to the gym and maybe take supplements, they can retain their musculature. Some women can continue to meet the size requirements of conventional physical attractiveness. Their hair may turn a beautiful, even whatever shade of whatever or perhaps they have a beauty routine that enables them to maintain the appearance of someone decades younger. They can meet while hiking up a mountain, and perhaps, with medication or just sheer good luck, they can have sex with a new partner and not need lube. I’m not sure who the audience would be for this type of novel? While you’re at it, why not just make the protagonists 30? Or 20? Or whatever?
(2) I haven’t dated in a while, but I know people who have. And while people sometimes try super hard NOT to bring up previous relationships on the first meet up or whatever, that kind of information is generally exchanged at some point as part of the Getting To Know Each Other Process. Sometimes, you have to talk about it, because there’s a call you have to take from your offspring, or while scheduling dates, you have to explain your custody schedule. Whatever. By the time you are in your 50s, your backstory is going to be complicated, and that is going to become a significant component of the story. Did you have a long term partner? Did they leave you? Why? How messed up are you from that experience? Did you have a series of short term things? Why is this story going to be different? (I don’t think it has to be different; but currently, convention says it has to be different or it’s women’s literature, not romance.) Did your partner die? Was it slow and lingering? Was it abrupt and unexpected? And how is that impacting you in terms of relating to other people? A lot of over 50s protagonist books are so comprehensively stuck in the backstory and/or the trauma and/or processing grief or whatever, that it’s really more about that than it is about the romance. NOT a problem, but also, not necessarily a romance.
We discussed how this could be done, because K. observed (correctly!!!) that romance is a laboratory (not her words) in which women tinker around with relationships and society, and figure out how we want the world to be, and then we show how to get there from here. True!
We discussed leaving out physical detail. That could be done, but is a convention violator and readers will ask. If you do it partway and then drop in details later, it is jarring.
We discussed including physical detail, and opting for something more realistic. Most books in which someone is NOT conventionally attractive nevertheless have protagonists who are unconventionally attractive but in pedestrian ways. She doesn’t meet the size constraints of conventionally attractive, but has gorgeous curves and a beautiful face. It’s tough to find a plausible middle-aged woman in romance, never mind one who has hit 50. She’d need to be overweight (about 3/4s of women in this age range) and possibly “obese” (over 40%). She’d have some amount of knee pain (2/3rds).
Most importantly, if you are telling a story about a woman aged 50 +/-, and you are not directly addressing perimenopause, menopause and related health issues and risks, you just are not engaging with what it is like to be a woman this age. Women in this age range may still be menstruating but not consistently, which complicates established sexual relationships, never mind new partners. Hot flashes are real, but they often start long before this age, and can last well after this age. _Managing_ hot flashes while not in private is an intermittent issue for most perimenopausal women at some point in this period, and again, tricky enough with an established relationship, but absolutely bonkers in a new one.
Romances with women protagonist(s) who are in this age range really _ought_ to be incorporating all of this into the background. But if this is too foregrounded, the book quits being about the romance, and becomes a Disease of the Week novel instead. I’m not looking for that. But if someone tells a story where a woman never becomes terrified or enraged that seems absolutely unrelated to anything going on, and oh, yeah, had a hot flash, where a woman never has to stop doing something because her knee just won’t let her, a woman never struggles with what to wear because things are either too loose or too tight _and diets don’t fix that_ (because water retention related fluctuation over the course of a day is Real in this age range) — I’m basically going to wonder why I bothered. This isn’t a character who is this age. This is a character that is a different age, and someone put an “age suit” on her.
I want to be clear: I _have read_ several romance novels that have protagonists which are almost 50 or well over 50. They _do_ exist. I know that. That was not my point. My point actually had to do with how there are so few that they don’t even qualify as a meaningful subgenre, and that’s because of issues with our culture, and until those cultural issues change, we are not going to have a subgenre of romance novels with protagonists who are in their 50s (give or take).
Romance novels have one requirement, and I don’t want that to change — once you change that, it isn’t a romance novel of the genre any more. It may be a fine book, but it isn’t in the genre. It MUST have an HEA. It can be an HEA “for now”. It can be a “Emotionally Satisfying Ending” HEA. But it MUST have an HEA.
But genre romances have a variety of other conventions that _can_ and I would argue _must_ change if we are going to have protagonists in their 50s (give or take). I argued — and continue to believe — that we have to quit thinking of romantic relationships in terms of (life)long(term) dyads. We also have to adjust our ideas of what it means to be physically attracted and who is physically attractive.
I know that anyone reading is going to have Issues, and one of those Issues is going to be: But I’ve Read Books Where …
So have I.
So let’s dig in, shall we!
(1) Protagonists in their 50s (give or take) could easily be conventionally attractive. Tall men stay tall. Some of them keep their hair. If they go to the gym and maybe take supplements, they can retain their musculature. Some women can continue to meet the size requirements of conventional physical attractiveness. Their hair may turn a beautiful, even whatever shade of whatever or perhaps they have a beauty routine that enables them to maintain the appearance of someone decades younger. They can meet while hiking up a mountain, and perhaps, with medication or just sheer good luck, they can have sex with a new partner and not need lube. I’m not sure who the audience would be for this type of novel? While you’re at it, why not just make the protagonists 30? Or 20? Or whatever?
(2) I haven’t dated in a while, but I know people who have. And while people sometimes try super hard NOT to bring up previous relationships on the first meet up or whatever, that kind of information is generally exchanged at some point as part of the Getting To Know Each Other Process. Sometimes, you have to talk about it, because there’s a call you have to take from your offspring, or while scheduling dates, you have to explain your custody schedule. Whatever. By the time you are in your 50s, your backstory is going to be complicated, and that is going to become a significant component of the story. Did you have a long term partner? Did they leave you? Why? How messed up are you from that experience? Did you have a series of short term things? Why is this story going to be different? (I don’t think it has to be different; but currently, convention says it has to be different or it’s women’s literature, not romance.) Did your partner die? Was it slow and lingering? Was it abrupt and unexpected? And how is that impacting you in terms of relating to other people? A lot of over 50s protagonist books are so comprehensively stuck in the backstory and/or the trauma and/or processing grief or whatever, that it’s really more about that than it is about the romance. NOT a problem, but also, not necessarily a romance.
We discussed how this could be done, because K. observed (correctly!!!) that romance is a laboratory (not her words) in which women tinker around with relationships and society, and figure out how we want the world to be, and then we show how to get there from here. True!
We discussed leaving out physical detail. That could be done, but is a convention violator and readers will ask. If you do it partway and then drop in details later, it is jarring.
We discussed including physical detail, and opting for something more realistic. Most books in which someone is NOT conventionally attractive nevertheless have protagonists who are unconventionally attractive but in pedestrian ways. She doesn’t meet the size constraints of conventionally attractive, but has gorgeous curves and a beautiful face. It’s tough to find a plausible middle-aged woman in romance, never mind one who has hit 50. She’d need to be overweight (about 3/4s of women in this age range) and possibly “obese” (over 40%). She’d have some amount of knee pain (2/3rds).
Most importantly, if you are telling a story about a woman aged 50 +/-, and you are not directly addressing perimenopause, menopause and related health issues and risks, you just are not engaging with what it is like to be a woman this age. Women in this age range may still be menstruating but not consistently, which complicates established sexual relationships, never mind new partners. Hot flashes are real, but they often start long before this age, and can last well after this age. _Managing_ hot flashes while not in private is an intermittent issue for most perimenopausal women at some point in this period, and again, tricky enough with an established relationship, but absolutely bonkers in a new one.
Romances with women protagonist(s) who are in this age range really _ought_ to be incorporating all of this into the background. But if this is too foregrounded, the book quits being about the romance, and becomes a Disease of the Week novel instead. I’m not looking for that. But if someone tells a story where a woman never becomes terrified or enraged that seems absolutely unrelated to anything going on, and oh, yeah, had a hot flash, where a woman never has to stop doing something because her knee just won’t let her, a woman never struggles with what to wear because things are either too loose or too tight _and diets don’t fix that_ (because water retention related fluctuation over the course of a day is Real in this age range) — I’m basically going to wonder why I bothered. This isn’t a character who is this age. This is a character that is a different age, and someone put an “age suit” on her.