Jan. 16th, 2009

walkitout: (Default)
I wasn't going to post about this, because I'm such a predictable whiner on the topic I'm sure this will not add any insight to anyone who knows me. But I just cannot stop myself.

Here's the original article that annoyed me:

http://www.womensenews.org/article.cfm/dyn/aid/3876/context/archive

You might have to log-in to access this (free, and worthwhile). I subscribe to Women's E-news, so I get it in my mailbox and sometimes I even read it. As readers of the excellent _Two Income Trap_ by the Warren/Tyagi mother/daughter pair know, when a family which has one earner staying (mostly) at home hits a bad patch of any sort, they have the option of sending that additional earner out into the workforce full time. You can't find a time period where this wasn't true (I dare you -- _try_ to find one) or a place. So this article suffers from the Dog-Bites-Man problem. Further, whenever a woman is bringing home more fungible goodies than the man, the woman's status increases. This is the basis for virtually all developmental aid to women for the last several decades, both in this country and around the world. Again, Dog-Bites-Man.

Not sure why they wrote it. Really unclear why it's such a mediocre article. Whatever -- prepared to ignore it. It may be Dog Bites Man, but a lot of people out there forget that dogs do that.

http://blogs.wsj.com/wealth/2009/01/14/will-mercenary-marriages-collapse-with-the-economy/

There is even less excuse for this one, largely because of the tilt. Frank's take on this is not particularly subtle. To begin with, when confronted with this description he quotes from a woman:

“My job was to run the household and the children’s lives,” she said. “His job is to provide us with a nice lifestyle.” But his bonus has disappeared, and his annual pay has dropped to $150,000 from $800,000 a year. “Let me just say this,” she said, “I’m still doing my job.”

Then he says: "Setting aside the likely trials of her job versus his, the quote highlights the financial dynamic underlying their relationship."

Well, it may highlight the financial dynamic, but it also highlights the domestic dynamic. He provides money -- she provides a homelife. When he was making $800K, he thought it was worth it to support a wife and kids. She thought it was worth it to supply that homelife in exchange for that kind of household income. You can characterize this as mercenary, but you can also think of it as contractual. And the party of the first part has defaulted on the contract. In case this isn't clear enough, Frank then adds:

"What the quote ignores is basic economics: He can’t possibly do his “job” if the economy is collapsing."

The quote doesn't ignore that at all. The quote says he was buying what she was selling and now he can't afford it any more. If Frank is going to get up all in the marriage and kids shouldn't be for sale, I've got news for him: marriage and reproduction have _always_ been about access to resources and they always will be. Period. End. Love may or may not be.

Frank goes even further in siding with the defaulting party:

"Hopefully this marriage isn’t dependent on this mirage of finance."

I suppose, for the sake of the kids, we could hope that. But I'll just point out that John McCain left his first wife and their children because she was in a bad car accident which disabled and disfigured her. She defaulted on her contract to be beautiful and that marriage ended. You'd have to work pretty hard to convince me that it would be better for a hypothetical John McCain to stick around until the youngest kid turned 18 and then divorced her for disfigurement and disability -- I'm pretty sure as a mother I'd want that jackass gone sooner rather than later. If you want a marriage to survive for better or for worse, it had better be based on something like, we function better together than we do separately. That has some chance of surviving the vagaries of income, appearance and specific job skills and availability.

R.'s comment when I summarized this was to wonder where a hypothetical wife might find a replacement. I said it didn't matter. Plenty of these guys you can only stand to be around if there's $800K/yr to sweeten them. No money, you're better off alone with the kids. At least you don't have to listen to, look at or otherwise interact with the jackoff. Plus, he won't be hitting you, which is occasionally an issue. Mira Kirshenbaum aptly captures this issue in _Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay_. The hypothetical replacement guy is an interesting question, but the really relevant one is comparing the guy to no guy.

I really can't help but add that if Frank thinks the trials suffered from the $800K/yr guy are that significant compared to running the home front, he's _exactly_ the kind of guy who is only worth having around if he's got a lot of the folding green stuff to spread around. He should thank his lucky stars that _Richistan_ sold so well.

I could imagine someone who did not know R. and me well and did not know the origin and nature of the resources available to our family might well be concerned for poor R., being married to someone as cynical as me. I'll just note that I married him because he's who he is: a great father, and a pleasure to live with. I'm pretty sure he's safe from changes in the economy.
walkitout: (Default)
What do you want to watch next?

Backyardigans.
walkitout: (Default)
Well, she is, obviously. But not that small, at 15.2 lbs and 25 3/4 inches she's topping out all the charts. I don't have the head circumference, but it was big, too.
walkitout: (Default)
Trigger blog post:

http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/01/09/whats-harder-marriage-or-parenting/

I've been married twice, and lived with someone (committed, monogamous) two other times. I have a toddler (young child at this point? What is 3 and a half?) and an infant. I don't particularly believe in marriage; I treat couples without children in the house as essentially single people. I often _refer_ to unmarried parents with kids in the house as married and married folk without children in the house (even if grown) as single, and I'm just waiting for the day it gets me in to trouble. I don't think that means I think parenting is harder than marriage or vice versa. I think it means that the parenting relationship while the kids are at home takes up a lot of time. Way, way more time than marriage does, even if you work at the marriage. Possibly this will not seem as true to me when the kids are teenagers, but parents of teenagers tell me they are more demanding than infants so we'll see.

I will say one thing. Being a child being raised by my parents made me want to die. Being married to my first husband made me want to kill him. One of the live-together relationships made me want to die. That has not happened with R. Or with A.

But some nights with T. I definitely got extremely tempted to engage in violence against someone, identity subject to change from second to second -- all of which could be directly attributed to sleep deprivation.

I don't much care for generalizations about the kids -- girls are like this, boys are like that, first kids are one way, second kids another (altho I do like the third-kid-will-surprise-you theory). I think I don't like this question for the same reason. It isn't whether marriage is hard -- it's about whether _a_ marriage is hard. It isn't about parenting being hard. It's about whether parenting a particular person is hard.

Or easy.

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