Friday evening text message
Oct. 20th, 2017 11:55 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
walkitoutI got an FB message from a cousin (by marriage, on my dad's side) with condolences on the death of my mother. She had attended the memorial and was thinking of me on the way home.
I said thanks, what? (<-- not an exact quote).
My mother died on October 1. I found out about 3 weeks later, quite by accident. My younger sister was also not notified, and some of the cousins on my mom's side (two of her nephews and their families) were also not notified. The cousins who _were_ notified, assumed I already knew -- a reasonable assumption.
This was not an oversight. The sister who was in charge of the memorial made a point of getting my contact information when I saw her in person in Seattle in April. My father has _always_ told me of all the deaths in the family and any funerals and memorials as they came along. With the exception of calling me to tell me about his liver cancer and my mother's declinining health shortly before her death, that's basically the only time he ever contacts me, because Jehovah's Witnesses --- which my parents and the sister who did not contact me still are -- believe that contact with family members who have left the organization must be cut off completely, with a very limited exemption for family business. But it's a mystery why they decided not to tell my that my mother died.
I sent belated condolences via email to my father, to ensure he had all my current contact information (again) and I'll send a letter. I called a cousin who I am close to (he hadn't heard either; my mother was his aunt, and a mutual uncle died earlier in the year), and felt better after talking to him.
I didn't sleep well. Being reminded forcibly of the mean-spirited crazy that is my family of origin, well, it is hard to maintain emotional equilibrium in the face of that.
Please do not send condolences for my loss. I know that's the formula, and I usually encourage people to stick to the etiquette formula, but in this case, what I'm really looking for is agreement that, yeah, it's super weird and basically wrong to not tell someone that their mother died for three weeks after the fact. I don't care _how_ serious the rift is in the family. Memorials are for the living, not the dead, and people went to that memorial hoping to see me. The sister who ran the thing and didn't tell me said she didn't know why I wasn't there and attributed the estrangement to me. I don't know that I would or would not have gone to the memorial. I certainly didn't want that decision taken entirely away from me. And I would have spent the last three weeks communicating with other family members had I known what had happened.
Well, sure I'm estranged from _her_ by choice. She sexually molested me extensively. I want nothing to do with her. Losing contact with her was one of the best things about Not Being a Jehovah's Witness Any More. Her continued membership in that organization is solid evidence in my mind that it is in no way representative of any just deity.
But being estranged from the rest of my family was never my choice and I've done everything I can think of -- short of harassment and stalking -- to repair that rift. My mother was a major participant in ensuring the distance was as great as possible. But her death is clearly not going to lead to any kind of repair attempts on the other side.
So the next time someone tells you, oh, Jehovah's Witness are Nice People, well, don't you you believe it. And if they tell you, they don't really shun their ex-members, don't believe that, either.
I said thanks, what? (<-- not an exact quote).
My mother died on October 1. I found out about 3 weeks later, quite by accident. My younger sister was also not notified, and some of the cousins on my mom's side (two of her nephews and their families) were also not notified. The cousins who _were_ notified, assumed I already knew -- a reasonable assumption.
This was not an oversight. The sister who was in charge of the memorial made a point of getting my contact information when I saw her in person in Seattle in April. My father has _always_ told me of all the deaths in the family and any funerals and memorials as they came along. With the exception of calling me to tell me about his liver cancer and my mother's declinining health shortly before her death, that's basically the only time he ever contacts me, because Jehovah's Witnesses --- which my parents and the sister who did not contact me still are -- believe that contact with family members who have left the organization must be cut off completely, with a very limited exemption for family business. But it's a mystery why they decided not to tell my that my mother died.
I sent belated condolences via email to my father, to ensure he had all my current contact information (again) and I'll send a letter. I called a cousin who I am close to (he hadn't heard either; my mother was his aunt, and a mutual uncle died earlier in the year), and felt better after talking to him.
I didn't sleep well. Being reminded forcibly of the mean-spirited crazy that is my family of origin, well, it is hard to maintain emotional equilibrium in the face of that.
Please do not send condolences for my loss. I know that's the formula, and I usually encourage people to stick to the etiquette formula, but in this case, what I'm really looking for is agreement that, yeah, it's super weird and basically wrong to not tell someone that their mother died for three weeks after the fact. I don't care _how_ serious the rift is in the family. Memorials are for the living, not the dead, and people went to that memorial hoping to see me. The sister who ran the thing and didn't tell me said she didn't know why I wasn't there and attributed the estrangement to me. I don't know that I would or would not have gone to the memorial. I certainly didn't want that decision taken entirely away from me. And I would have spent the last three weeks communicating with other family members had I known what had happened.
Well, sure I'm estranged from _her_ by choice. She sexually molested me extensively. I want nothing to do with her. Losing contact with her was one of the best things about Not Being a Jehovah's Witness Any More. Her continued membership in that organization is solid evidence in my mind that it is in no way representative of any just deity.
But being estranged from the rest of my family was never my choice and I've done everything I can think of -- short of harassment and stalking -- to repair that rift. My mother was a major participant in ensuring the distance was as great as possible. But her death is clearly not going to lead to any kind of repair attempts on the other side.
So the next time someone tells you, oh, Jehovah's Witness are Nice People, well, don't you you believe it. And if they tell you, they don't really shun their ex-members, don't believe that, either.