![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Entry tags:
Administrivia: catch up blogging will happen soon
Yes, I’m awake in the middle of the night. Yes, I’m blogging. T-weekend has been fun.
ETA: Done! I noticed I was missing blog entries from the previous weekend, so I did those also.
ETAYA:
I’m going to bury this here with minimal to no recognition in the subject line in hopes that most people don’t even read this. I mean, not too many people read my blog anyway, but this one I’m really hoping people ignore.
I’ve been dealing with a lot of conversations lately in which people spend quite a bit of time complaining about being interrupted / wanting to be able to finish what they are saying. _This is not a new phenomenon_. I have used a variety of strategies to deal with this in the past. Duh, obviously, not talking to those people is a strategy, and I have definitely used that and continue to use that up to and including opening up a device and reading, paying bills or just flat out gathering up my stuff, leaving the room and locking the door to whatever room I do go to. I mean, sometimes, people want to talk but that does not mean you have to listen to whatever they say.
I’m currently specifically articulating to T. that it’s fine to interrupt people and it is fine to insist that people let you finish what you are saying _but it is not okay to do both_. You have to pick a team. You don’t have to insist that other people pick a team, but _I_ am insisting that he pick a team, both as an individual and as a parent. If he opts long term for the I can interrupt you but you cannot interrupt me strategy, then I’ll exercise my right to not be around him. Simple.
In general, I am Team Interruption. A lot of people just don’t seem to know when to stop talking, and an interruption can really be a public service to other audience members AND a personal service to them. I understand that Team Don’t Interrupt Me is committed to getting whatever they are thinking out of their head before they forget it.
Let me just repeat that here for everyone who blew through that Please Ignore What I’m Writing and Decided They Wanted the Juicy Gossipy Stuff.
I UNDERSTAND THAT TEAM LET ME FINISH KNOWS THEY WILL FORGET WHAT THEY HAVE TO SAY IF THEY ARE REQUIRED TO WAIT TO SAY IT.
Sometimes, I care about that. For example, I really care quite a lot about that when my husband is bringing me up to date on the results of a phone conversation with extended family that has implications for my cash flow management. If I need to hear about an aging relative who abruptly needs round the clock nursing care or at least someone in the room to help him get out of bed safely, I don’t want to find that out much later, “Oh, I forgot to tell you.” So, _yeah_ I care about some of what my conversational partners are concerned about forgetting.
Also, I care about my conversational partners. If they feel a compelling need to talk, then I’m prepared to listen or at least simulate listening until the gusher subsides and we can get into something a bit more interactive, which is more my jam when it comes to a conversation.
But I’m really sitting here thinking about the absolute most flagrantly Can I Finish people and their interruption style and I’m starting to see some things.
I think they should start keeping a journal. Not online. There is no need to write for an audience. But they should absolutely be talking to a wall, an audio note, a vlog, a blog, a paper diary, whatever the fuck it takes. They need to get that shit out of their head and organized and take a hard look at it. For one thing, they are repeating themselves. A lot. And they are repeating things that they are convinced are New Things. And wow, they are NOT new things. “I had no idea that blah blah.” Well, you did a couple years ago when you told me exactly that.
For another thing, they are projecting. That may be a lot of what is going on with the Can I Finish crowd, especially when they interrupt someone and then stop that person from interrupting them. The content of the Can I Finish lecture is, maybe 2/3rds of the time, telling someone in declamatory tones something they already know, and, in fact, CanIFinish may well have learned it from the poor put upon audience. _I have committed this sin so many times myself I’m decent at recognizing it in general now._ I generally preface paragraphs of this sort with, I know you already know this I’m just venting, which at least provides some context and demonstrates that tiny degree of self-insight which I have attained.
Some annoying TikToker a while back advocated for dealing with interruptions by stopping talking, letting the interrupter wind down, and then carrying on as if it had never happened. I’ve got my doubts about this advice in general, because I don’t think it will typically work. I’ve been experimenting with it, and it only very slightly works. The person will keep doing it, for one thing, and that’s incredibly annoying. I have limited interest in dealing with that, so generally speaking, I’ll probably pack up and go to a room with a lockable door before they figure out that their interruptions are being ignored, much less why and what they should change about their behavior. More relevantly, it can make it all but impossible to continue a conversation at all. I’m not talking about a two way convo, with an interrupter. _That_ can work; it’s a standard tool I use all the time with one particular conversational partner. But if it is a three or more way conversation, even if I can keep track of the thread of the conversation, the rest of the crowd probably cannot. And even if I don’t decamp to a locked room, others will. So it’s kinda useless as a standalone piece of advice. They had an escalating series of interventions tho, that did include specifically drawing attention to the objectionable conversational behavior. It was all very much the kind of thing that a lawyer would advocate for, and that could probably be made to work in a lawyer-type interaction (a court, a deposition, a mediation, arbitration, etc.), but is kinda dodgy in a family context if you want to your teenagers / problematic extended family member to actually keep telling you things. Which I do really want.
TL;DR skipped to the end to find out if there was any nugget of wisdom: If you consistently need to interrupt people to say something long-winded or long and complicated or whatever, before you forget it, _keep a fucking journal_.
I did. It’s been useful.
ETA: Done! I noticed I was missing blog entries from the previous weekend, so I did those also.
ETAYA:
I’m going to bury this here with minimal to no recognition in the subject line in hopes that most people don’t even read this. I mean, not too many people read my blog anyway, but this one I’m really hoping people ignore.
I’ve been dealing with a lot of conversations lately in which people spend quite a bit of time complaining about being interrupted / wanting to be able to finish what they are saying. _This is not a new phenomenon_. I have used a variety of strategies to deal with this in the past. Duh, obviously, not talking to those people is a strategy, and I have definitely used that and continue to use that up to and including opening up a device and reading, paying bills or just flat out gathering up my stuff, leaving the room and locking the door to whatever room I do go to. I mean, sometimes, people want to talk but that does not mean you have to listen to whatever they say.
I’m currently specifically articulating to T. that it’s fine to interrupt people and it is fine to insist that people let you finish what you are saying _but it is not okay to do both_. You have to pick a team. You don’t have to insist that other people pick a team, but _I_ am insisting that he pick a team, both as an individual and as a parent. If he opts long term for the I can interrupt you but you cannot interrupt me strategy, then I’ll exercise my right to not be around him. Simple.
In general, I am Team Interruption. A lot of people just don’t seem to know when to stop talking, and an interruption can really be a public service to other audience members AND a personal service to them. I understand that Team Don’t Interrupt Me is committed to getting whatever they are thinking out of their head before they forget it.
Let me just repeat that here for everyone who blew through that Please Ignore What I’m Writing and Decided They Wanted the Juicy Gossipy Stuff.
I UNDERSTAND THAT TEAM LET ME FINISH KNOWS THEY WILL FORGET WHAT THEY HAVE TO SAY IF THEY ARE REQUIRED TO WAIT TO SAY IT.
Sometimes, I care about that. For example, I really care quite a lot about that when my husband is bringing me up to date on the results of a phone conversation with extended family that has implications for my cash flow management. If I need to hear about an aging relative who abruptly needs round the clock nursing care or at least someone in the room to help him get out of bed safely, I don’t want to find that out much later, “Oh, I forgot to tell you.” So, _yeah_ I care about some of what my conversational partners are concerned about forgetting.
Also, I care about my conversational partners. If they feel a compelling need to talk, then I’m prepared to listen or at least simulate listening until the gusher subsides and we can get into something a bit more interactive, which is more my jam when it comes to a conversation.
But I’m really sitting here thinking about the absolute most flagrantly Can I Finish people and their interruption style and I’m starting to see some things.
I think they should start keeping a journal. Not online. There is no need to write for an audience. But they should absolutely be talking to a wall, an audio note, a vlog, a blog, a paper diary, whatever the fuck it takes. They need to get that shit out of their head and organized and take a hard look at it. For one thing, they are repeating themselves. A lot. And they are repeating things that they are convinced are New Things. And wow, they are NOT new things. “I had no idea that blah blah.” Well, you did a couple years ago when you told me exactly that.
For another thing, they are projecting. That may be a lot of what is going on with the Can I Finish crowd, especially when they interrupt someone and then stop that person from interrupting them. The content of the Can I Finish lecture is, maybe 2/3rds of the time, telling someone in declamatory tones something they already know, and, in fact, CanIFinish may well have learned it from the poor put upon audience. _I have committed this sin so many times myself I’m decent at recognizing it in general now._ I generally preface paragraphs of this sort with, I know you already know this I’m just venting, which at least provides some context and demonstrates that tiny degree of self-insight which I have attained.
Some annoying TikToker a while back advocated for dealing with interruptions by stopping talking, letting the interrupter wind down, and then carrying on as if it had never happened. I’ve got my doubts about this advice in general, because I don’t think it will typically work. I’ve been experimenting with it, and it only very slightly works. The person will keep doing it, for one thing, and that’s incredibly annoying. I have limited interest in dealing with that, so generally speaking, I’ll probably pack up and go to a room with a lockable door before they figure out that their interruptions are being ignored, much less why and what they should change about their behavior. More relevantly, it can make it all but impossible to continue a conversation at all. I’m not talking about a two way convo, with an interrupter. _That_ can work; it’s a standard tool I use all the time with one particular conversational partner. But if it is a three or more way conversation, even if I can keep track of the thread of the conversation, the rest of the crowd probably cannot. And even if I don’t decamp to a locked room, others will. So it’s kinda useless as a standalone piece of advice. They had an escalating series of interventions tho, that did include specifically drawing attention to the objectionable conversational behavior. It was all very much the kind of thing that a lawyer would advocate for, and that could probably be made to work in a lawyer-type interaction (a court, a deposition, a mediation, arbitration, etc.), but is kinda dodgy in a family context if you want to your teenagers / problematic extended family member to actually keep telling you things. Which I do really want.
TL;DR skipped to the end to find out if there was any nugget of wisdom: If you consistently need to interrupt people to say something long-winded or long and complicated or whatever, before you forget it, _keep a fucking journal_.
I did. It’s been useful.
no subject
I’m sure this is true for some people
I may do some poking around at some of the phrases you use, however, because it might give a lot of insight. Thanks!
ETA:
I found this:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/5-types-people-who-can-ruin-your-life/202012/4-red-flags-high-conflict-partner
And absolutely there is a lot of repeating / projecting in that crowd, and there are elements of that in some of the people I’m engaging in conversation with. Maybe it’s a spectrum/continuum? Maybe I’m just in denial and these people are worse off than I think.
But I can’t shake the idea that there’s one or maybe two developmental steps that if they were accomplished, quite a lot of this would go much better. Possibly because I want this to be improve-able if not fix-able.